Steve and Crew’s Brick Lane council-flat. The TV is on.
Newscaster: Steaming hot music-doings now as Madonna is apparently injured in magickal duel with Angelina Jolie.
At five o’clock yesterday afternoon the slightly evil pop star celebrity Madonna was spotted by concerned locals of her private English holiday village in a tired and distressed condition.
On-lookers describe the Dark Queen of Pop covered in boils and emitting ectoplasm in long stringy strands which attempted to entangle anyone within range. It was reported that a small black terrier called Jacob was attacked by the tendrils and drawn towards Madonna where its energy was absorbed. The first lady of Pop then reportedly transformed herself into a crow and flew away, just like in the video for Frozen.
Friends had previously expressed concerns over her health which had been taking its toll as a result of too much investment in magickal ego battles with other celebrities, but some are unsurprised. Close friend and fashion designer Ledger St.Nick downplayed his concern at Madonna’s condition and said ‘She’s doing what a woman does, she’s a woman and women have the right to not be afraid of their emotions just because they are women. You go girl!’
However, not everyone was quite so sympathetic. Ricky Plonker seemed unsurprised and related how at a party at Steve Coogan’s house Madonna had spontaneously and without any warning, given birth to a Golem which wandered around the room and befouled all the cocaine. The Golem was banished as a result of its careless actions and returned to the black vortex and Madonna felt very silly indeed.
The Queen of the Underworld was recently in the news for having her official birth-name changed. Madonna informed the world at a press conference from a blasted heath where she stated that as of she now she must be addressed as: The Goddess of the Wicca, the Great Goddess, the Mother of All Living; the Creatrix, and the Destroyer; The Triple Goddess: Like a Virgin, the Bride, and the Hag, and foremost wickety witch of the Royal Trinity of third-world adopting Mothers.
It appears that Madonna’s condition was caused by a befuddling spell cast by Angelina Jolie which she failed to ward-off during a private duel. Jolie, whose magickal father married a muggle from the TV News, was reportedly reacting to Madonna’s public threat made live at the MTV awards, that she wanted to ‘kill that mud-blood bitch’. Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt went to the UN and tabled a motion to ban Madonna from 3rd density Earth and send her back underground but he was blocked by Israel who weren’t ready to repatriate the Black Queen of Pop as the portal under construction beneath Mount Golgotha had fallen behind schedule and the date at which Madonna will return to the chaos void has been put back to 2018.
It appears that Madonna’s condition was caused by a befuddling spell cast by Angelina Jolie which she failed to ward-off during a private duel. Jolie, whose magickal father married a muggle from the TV News, was reportedly reacting to Madonna’s public threat made live at the MTV awards, that she wanted to ‘kill that mud-blood bitch’. Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt went to the UN and tabled a motion to ban Madonna from 3rd density Earth and send her back underground but he was blocked by Israel who weren’t ready to repatriate the Black Queen of Pop as the portal under construction beneath Mount Golgotha had fallen behind schedule and the date at which Madonna will return to the chaos void has been put back to 2018.
Jolie, the jumping and fighting Hollywood star was voted ‘Best at Pretending’ at this year’s Academy awards ceremony for her role in this year’s action hit: ‘Punch a Face’. Jolie and Pitt recently spent three days conducting rituals at the Hellfire caves in Buckinghamshire for charity. Jolie’s superhero father Jon Voigt said he was ‘sick of it all and wanted out!’ Jolie’s children, Ramboh, Nocherty St Knox, Paxo, Pasaz, Sarah-Jane-Morgoth and Saxon were all discovered not far from the scene of the alleged spell-casting, chanting in Latin and singing acapella 80’s hits but all denied involvement.
Madonna was later said to be in a stable condition, and declared able to perform by a wandering Joojoo man, at a benefit concert in support of Femiwitch terrorist organisation: Stinky Vadge Rage to be held in New-York later that evening.
In related news, the star child of star Billabong Cyrus, his daughter, the mad Miley Cyrus reportedly caught a highly contagious virus this morning, depleting her mana levels, and leaving her open to the magickal onslaught of the Council of the 27 club. This new blow to her career comes fast on the heels of the Domincans Republic’s much discussed declaration of war on Miley Cyrus on the grounds that she is an ‘unclean thing and not fit to inhabit the Earth’ which was met with apparent wordwide tuts and sniffs of disapproval, yet apparently, still stands, and Miley is considered, a valid military target by the Dominican Republic. It is hoped among well wishers and friends, that more countries do not decide to declare unilateral war on Miley Cyrus, particularly in her present weakened condition.
Madonna was later said to be in a stable condition, and declared able to perform by a wandering Joojoo man, at a benefit concert in support of Femiwitch terrorist organisation: Stinky Vadge Rage to be held in New-York later that evening.
In related news, the star child of star Billabong Cyrus, his daughter, the mad Miley Cyrus reportedly caught a highly contagious virus this morning, depleting her mana levels, and leaving her open to the magickal onslaught of the Council of the 27 club. This new blow to her career comes fast on the heels of the Domincans Republic’s much discussed declaration of war on Miley Cyrus on the grounds that she is an ‘unclean thing and not fit to inhabit the Earth’ which was met with apparent wordwide tuts and sniffs of disapproval, yet apparently, still stands, and Miley is considered, a valid military target by the Dominican Republic. It is hoped among well wishers and friends, that more countries do not decide to declare unilateral war on Miley Cyrus, particularly in her present weakened condition.
Crew: Mad –eds.
Steve: quoting Fair is foul and foul is fair,
Crew: Hover through the fog and filthy air.
Steve: Sounds like our flat.
Crew: It’s Shakespeare.
Steve: without irritation Yeah I know. It was me who was quoting him.
Crew: Well, Shakespeare knew the score about witches mixing themselves up with politics.
Steve: There was no Shakespeare, at least not as we know him. William Shakespeare was an illiterate Elizabethan actor. The man who wrote the plays was a very different character.
Crew: Bacon.
Steve: I will if you’re making some.
Crew: Francis Bacon.
Steve: Yeah I know. But I’m still hungry. Bit of Bacon would go down a treat. Go make us some.
Crew: In a minute, I just want to watch the rest of this show.
Steve: Show? It’s the News, it’s not a show!
TV Newscaster: Fresh controversy…
Steve: snorts Fresh! Fresh! Why does everything have to be ‘fresh’ or ‘hot’. Jesus, making me even hungrier, hurry up with that buttie will ya?
Crew: Shhh! I’m watching this. It’s all codes.
Steve: Ha, you won’t catch me out again with that ‘codes’ cobblers.
Crew: Shhh! There IS a code, a subtext in every third line. I’m listening. Can you be quiet? I need to get in step with it.
Newscaster: ..the disappearance of Naomi Spence and now the reported disappearance a young girl Cecilia Green, a student at the same prestigious talent school as Naomi Spence. Tosser was on fire hours ago as a Facebucks post from the young girl before her reported disappearance read: “I’m off to see my favourite star PlAttitude. Excited and” at which point in the message Miss Green inserted a nervous smiley. Speculation as to the meaning and significance of the nervous smiley has been rampant in the hours following the reported disappearance of the girl.
Crew: Look at that, do you think that’s ‘our Cecilia’?
Steve: There aren’t too many Cecilia’s in the world as far as I’ve noticed. It is her, it’s the same name. Green, our Cecilia is called Green too.
Crew: So who’s the other Green?
Steve: What are you talking about?
Crew: You said our Green was called Green too, so who was the other Green?
Steve: Green? Wh..exasperated Jesus, look in the mirror, it’s you, you’re green. You smoke too much.
Crew: Oh yeah, I gotya now. Sorry.
Steve: Thank God.
Steve: So what was the coded message?
Crew: No, there was no code that time. It was a clear transmission.
Steve: Well that’s a disappointment!
Crew: That’s putting it mildly. Our friend and rescuer has been kidnapped, and I think we know by who. It’s time to shake rattle and roll a joint.
Steve: : Then ‘spring into action’ like last time. That stuff doesn’t do us any good man. Let’s go out clean.
Crew: It might be safer.
Steve: Still that does seem funny seeing that on the news. And we’re kind if mixed up in some way in it.
Crew: I think we’re definitely mixed up in it.
Steve: We’ve got to be careful.
There is a knock on the door. Crew screams again.
Steve: admonishing Get a hold of yourself man.
Crew: Sorry nervously polite who is there?
Docs: It’s Docs man, let me in quick.
Steve opens the door and Docs stealthily pounces into the flat.
Docs: Woo! It’s been a mad one today. Something evil is at large in the streets of the capital bruvs. Something emphasis the word MALEFIQUE!
Steve: We think they’ve taken that little girl Cecilia.
Docs: Oh yeah?
Steve: Looks like it. Weird it being on the news only a few hours after she was reported missing though. She must be important to some one.
Crew: Of course she is doofus: her parents, friends and loved ones.
Steve: All the same, little girls go missing all the time, it usually doesn’t get on the news until a couple of days or if the little girl is found dead. How come this is going out only after a few hours, I mean, she could just be playing at a friend’s house and forgot to call her parents.
Crew: Maybe there’s not a lot of news in the world today. Also there’s the PlAttitude connection. Same school, and the Tosser message.
Steve: That’s another thing, she’s only been missing a few hours apparently, and Tosser and Facebucks are going mad, so the social-media frenzy must have started very closely to her being reported missing.
Crew: Maybe she’s got good friends.
Steve: It’s odd…. Almost organized.
Crew: And you call me paranoid?
Steve: Ah forget it, the whole things weird. I guess I’m just getting weird myself.
Crew: When the going gets weird, don’t go weird dude. Everyone knows that.
Steve: Who knows that? That’s not a saying. You’ve just made it up.
Crew: Well it’s true in this case, don’t go too weird.
Steve: If I want to get weird I’ll take lessons from the master.
Crew: Who’s that?
Steve: You’s-that!
Docs: Never mind all that boys. Listen here, there have been further developments.
Steve: In what?
Docs: slowly and with a sense of supreme importance Chemical.....warfare. His gravitas has made the two men silent. We made the Antidope. He produces a fat cigar like hand rolled cigarette, here it is: herba demonis fuga, or in English: the herb that chases away the devil. Paracelsus said “God has placed a great arcanum (secret) in the herb” A man whom official history has forgotten, is well remembered in the Tailor lodges of the world. For it was he who created the Sovereign order of St. John. They were closely associated with the Knight’s Temper whom they used to treat medically and lodge. They used to treat the Templars specifically with this plant to help treat battlefield casualties, not only those with physical wounds though, but also with mental ones. The rigors of killing and endless desperate slaughter led to the development of a wide range of psychological problems developing in the body of Knights....
Steve: Excuse me a minute, is this a lecture?
Docs: Yes, now don’t interrupt.
Steve: Sorry.
Docs: And they used this herb to treat them and relieve them of their despair and madness.
Crew: Got it!
Docs: Well done, have a banana.
Steve: So what are you saying?
Docs: I’m talking about a herbal extract which historically has been known to make demons flee, something GOD himself created ‘just for the spirits and mad fantasies that drive men to despair’ I’m talking about a smoking blend which, for some reason, sends demons scattering and cowering, I’m talking about only one thing......he pronounces the words very slowly and individually weaponised Saint-John’s Wort.
Steve: You serious? Weaponised Saint John's wort? That stuff nervous people hoover up at Holler and Burnit's?
Docs: You bet.
Crew: Has it been tested? Does it work?
Docs: You bet it does. You can put it in the mix and it smokes easily too. It’s a liquid extract, super strong.
Crew: How does it work?
Docs: No idea, but it does. It must work somehow on the brain. The active ingredient is hypericin apparently.
Crew: I’m gonna Gawp it. After a moment of Gawping on the internet. Found it. Gawp top result, here: reading
Research of hypericin and its effect on GABA-activated (gamma amino butyric acid) currents and NMDA (N-methyl-D-aspartat) receptors also indicate the therapeutic potential of this substance whereby new insights in stroke research (apoplexy) are expected. Also in the relatively newly established fields of medical photochemistry and photobiology, intensive research reveals hypericin to be a promising novel therapeutic and diagnostic agent in treatment and detection of cancer (photodynamic activation of free radical production).
Hypercin light mediated….works better in light apparently. Photodynamic! Wow sounds cool.
Docs: You bet it does, because as Paracelsus says, it’s from the Lord God himself in all his dazzling majesty. What we have here is gentlemen is light mediated outward projecting anti-psychoticant demon medicine.
Crew: I’ve got a question?
Steve: So have I….What’s a psychoticant?
Docs: What’s your question Crew?
Crew: Can we have some?
Docs: That’s why I’ve come round boys. What we’ve seen this past week is big and life may never be the same again: something's brewing boys, and I don’t mean one of Crew’s eggy stinkers. Docs goes through his bag and brings out two 3ml vials. Here.
Steve: It looks like blood.
Docs: They used to call it ‘the blood of Christ’. Quoting: ‘Any devils and witches have no power to harm, those that gather the plant for a charm’
Steve: Docs, what are you now, a medieval minstrel? What’s with the performance?
Docs: It’s not performance my friends, we’re in the heat of battle, this information could save your life.
Crew: All the same Docs, you are milking it a bit. Looks at his vial And this stuff: there doesn’t seem to be much here.
Docs: It’s not a drink Crew, you don’t put it in a pint glass and down-it. It’s an essence, you put a few drops on a joint and smoke it. I don’t know how it works but it seems to work through you. Affects those things waves his hand outside somehow, sends them flying, running away as fast as they can. I’ve tested it out.
Crew: excitedly Maybe it’s like an X-Man chemical or something, turns you into an X Man!
Steve: Egg-man more like, the man of super smelly hot fart power. They could call you Ignite Laughing to himself ha ha, no, Egg-nite ha ha.
Crew: Hey man, don’t bring me down.
Steve: still laughing but controlling himself Sorry dude, it just makes this all seem relatively normal if I’m trying to wind you up; having a go at you gives me a sort of connection to a reassuringly mundane reality.
Crew: Well, I’m glad to be of service but lay off the egg references, especially if we meet any girls.
Suddenly a man in a suit and tie walks into view having entered the room totally unnoticed just after Docs turned up.
Steve: What the fuck?
Docs: It’s a bust man.
Crew: Is it a bust? Looking nervously at the man walking towards them from the shadows then at Steve Steve is it a bust?
Steve: keeping his gaze unblinking on the man’s eyes as soon as he appeared I don’t know. Addressing the man Is this a bust?
John Hampton: thoughtfully Hmmm, I don’t think so. I could call somebody, they’d be quite interested in that new weed you’ve got hold of there Docs, as for the St John’s Wort, an interesting hypothesis and there may be something in it.
Docs: This is illegal entry, who are you?
John Hampton: My name is John Hampton and I’m not a police-officer, at least not right now.
Steve: What are you a part-time copper?
Crew: Starts singing Stevie Wonder’s Part-Time Lover Don’t want nothing to be wrong with part-time copper.
John: to Crew Never mind that, I know that the girl Cecilia Green was here last night.
Steve: defensively We haven’t got her.
John: I know you haven’t. But I know where she is.
Steve: Really?
John: We’ve been tracking her for months, as well as the Virgin Wood’s school for attractive children and it’s relationship with a group of men called the Tailors.
Steve: Yeah, we’ve encountered them.
John: I know you have.
Crew: We’ve got this new weed that makes us see ghosts.
John: I know you have
Crew: to Steve ‘ere Steve how comes Mr Know-you-have here knows more about us than we know about us?
John: answering Crew The girl at your flat last night who can’t stop talking.
Steve: Strange Quark?
John: Yes, she’s very good at gathering information, she has a perfect memory. She told me everything you discussed last night, which bearing in mind the recent disappearance of our mutual friend Miss Green, has become extremely valuable information to someone who would save the young lady’s life.
Steve: Like you?
John: No…. deliberate pause Like us! We work together on this one. You guys know the terrain AND you’ve got a possible secret weapon. We have to move, instantly. We get in my car and we drive out to where Cecilia is being detained and rescue her.
Crew: clearly excited Awesome!
Steve: Are you sure she’s being held against her will out there? Maybe she did just forget to call her mum.
John: decisively No, that’s not it. Like I say, we’ve been tracking them for months, our spies on the inside or the organization tell us that a ritual is taking place in the caves at Felchester Abbey. There will be a virgin sacrifice. This means they will kill her. I won’t have these human sacrifices in my operating area: not on my patch, not if I can help it.
Steve: What is your patch?
John: Earth is my patch.
Crew: You’re telling me they want to kill that girl who saved us the other day?
John: That’s right, so no more time for talking we have to move, now! You too Docs, we need your expertise in handling this waving to the vials of red liquid interesting material; we need a safe pair of hands and a seasoned psychonaut like you for this one Docs, are you in?
Docs: Upbeat Sure, ok.
Steve: Just one thing before we go, who do you work for John?
John: laughs I work for no one but the Absolute. God.
Crew: You’re not a Jesuit are you?
John: Jesus Christ are you kidding? I hope I don’t come across like a Jesuit.
Steve: Something culty?
John Hampton: Did you say culty?
Steve: Culty!
John: quickly Don’t be stupid, let’s just get out of here. The only thing that is real and eternal is the light of God, this is the only thing I follow. Evil and discordant events such as those perpetrated by the Tailoring brotherhood, take a severe toil on the vibrationary frequency of the human spirit, gradually weakening not only our bodies but our souls, events which darken reality and the very world as we know it. Anyone who follows the light of truth must do all he can to foil these dark plans. Listen, I work with a group of people who share information and right now I am acting on this information. That is all, I am not part of any secret conspiratorial group or cult of any kind, can we go now?
Steve: Good enough for me. Ok out of here.
Docs: Let’s go.
They leave the flat and get into John Hampton’s Ford Fiesta.
Steve: Would have thought a guy like you would drive a Jag or an Aston.
John Hampton: Classic rookie error. This car is perfect for my purposes: it doesn't stand out. It is also the biggest selling and most common car on the streets of this country right now: The Ford Fiesta. And the colour black, although technically not a colour, is also the most common car colour, in the UK at this time. Although I was tempted to choose white because Apple seems to have sparked a growth in white cars, however I quickly realized that a black car would be much easier to hide in some trees.
Crew: with awe Hiding in trees! Like camouflage.
John Hampton: Exactly. Both urban and rural. Besides, I have made some improvements.
Crew: Laughing Car-mouflage! Haha, see what I did there?
Steve: addressing John What are they?
John Hampton: This? Presses a button Crew’s chair starts to massage him.
Crew: Nice.
Steve: laconically Oh that’ll be useful in an emergency. Get the bad guy to sit in the massage-seat and massage him to death.
John Hampton: Haven’t finished the tour yet old boy. Well take your key or something and scratch your name into the window back there.
Steve tried scratching his name into the glass but utterly fails to even make a mark on it.
John Hampton: Not happening eh? Try a bit harder, try to chip it.
Steve starts stabbing at the glass with his key.
John Hampton: Turn up the heat!
Steve starts really hitting the window with his key, after a while he gives up nursing his hand.
John Hampton: Bullet proof glass Aluminium Oxynitride, still officially in development.
Steve: So why have you got some if you’re not some spook or something?
John Hampton: Because I happen to have shared University halls with the fella who invented it. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know, you know.
Crew: Sadly I don’t know anyone. I mean, not anyone who could make me a bullet-proof car.
John Hampton: You should think yourself lucky you don’t need one. You’re winning the game of life by staying alive, me, I’m chancing my hand. I can’t take any risks when already so much is left to fate.
Crew: Yeah you’re right, I guess I’m getting overexcited.
John Hampton: Well you’re part of it now, but for me it’s a full-time job, right now just do as I say and hope we get through this successfully. We have a very dangerous mission with very dangerous adversaries who are capable of all kinds of tricks. If caught it is useless to reason with them on any logical level because they will never listen: their minds are totally controlled, and this makes them immune to reason logic and compassion, this makes them dangerous, it is also their greatest weakness. Reason logic and compassion are faster and better operating systems. We are smarter, faster and stronger. Even when physically fighting these creatures we can easily overpower them because they have no strength of their own, once you oppose them and resolve to attack them they will cower and scatter, unless their numbers are greatly superior.
Crew: How many will there be?
John Hampton: About three hundred of them.
Steven: But there’s only four of us.
John Hampton: Only for the moment.
Steve: What do you mean?
John Hampton: Don’t worry about that. In fact don’t think about anything that is about to happen, just be in the NOW, this is the source of all power, you must totally focus constantly on the present moment in the coming confrontation. Do not be distracted by anything from the past, it is totally irrelevant for tonight’s action, and do not think about what could or might happen next, just do what your will tells you to do at that moment. Be constantly thus vigilant.
Crew: Is this a Yoga lesson?
John Hampton: It’s a life-lesson. Valuable information. People pay a lot of money for all that kind of stuff you know. That’s how they get people into joining the Tailors and the Hell-Chasers, they learn a few bits of info and see a few practical demonstrations. Of course from that point they are amazed at the spiritual gifts of the Tailors and awed into total acquiescence, not to mention fear, especially as they come closer and closer to the abyss.
Crew: Hey Docs, you ok back there. What you doing?
The Doc has unnoticed been busy rolling joints, he appears to have already rolled 10 joints.
Docs: Laughing Just loading the weapons with a decent size clip. When these little rockets goes off, it’s going to be goodnight to the ghoul-show.
They drive out of Brick Lane and into the London dusk.
