AMY THE FREEMASON VAMPIRE SLAYER!
Secret Pop-Princess Amy Winehouse’s incredible secret story can finally revealed due to the discovery of a secret archive in the Akashic pop-records on the fifteenth floor of astral-focus area 19.
The records reveal that Amy Winehouse was born as a Babylonian princess living in the Kingdom of Kish late in the 3rd millennium BC. It is believed that Princess A’Mi at this time was living happily until she met a cheeky crack-snake which was hiding from the sun in her palace gardens. The little crack-snake was so pale and poorly looking that she immediately fell in love with it and its crack-stash.
However the magic-crack-snake was not all he appeared to be, and was in fact, their local pagan-God who liked to dress up sometimes and confuse people. However God wasn’t happy that Princess A’Mi had defiled herself with the crack-snake and was so angry that he kicked A’Mi right out of the palace garden, and far far into the future, way past the middle of next week, the kick was so powerful that the poor Babylonian princess was sent five thousand years into the future.
When she came-to in Midge Winehouse's house in North London, she was lonely and sad, but she was still a princess, and a princess is never unhappy for long. She decided to fight the injustice she had suffered at the hands of the magic-crack snake and when she discovered that all magic-crack-snakes are also Freemasons, she realised that this would be her one-purpose in life, and she would also do a bit of singing when she could find the time.
The newly Anglicised Amy often found it difficult to fit her singing career into her busy life as a Freemason vampire slayer, often finding it necessary to cancel concerts at the last minute due to being engaged in epic sword battles against wave upon wave of vampire-Freemasons. It was with a heavy heart that Princess Amy created the media cover of an enfeebled drug-hoover; however it gave her the freedom to cancel gigs and behave violently in public, which was essential if she was to succeed in her sworn mission to wipe out every single Freemason-vampire in the UKniverse.
Amy however was not to remain victorious for long as the Masonic leadership devastated by her sword-skills realised it could no longer meet her in open battle and began to regroup. They released a specially trained unit of elite-OTO sex-soldiers who attempted to infect Amy with their crazy-juice. Amy finally succumbed and was led by her untamed smoking-Semitic-princess Mojo into an OTO sex-and drugs ritual which was designed to trap the time-travelling princess forever in a candle.
However the ritual failed due to bad rhythmic drumming and cheap incense and Princess Amy was left more powerful and more drug free than ever. It was then decided in an emergency council of the Freemason Vampires that she instead be rewarded with immediate induction into the 27 club as a mark of respect and so, after being chased for months as Amy desperately attempted to reach 28 and therefore no-longer be a suitable candidate for admission to the 27 club, she was finally cornered in her Camden flat by a bunch of celebrity witches and brutally murdered.
Amy Winehouse was 27 and 312 days: She nearly made it.