Insider info and illuminati analysis...

...from the man they just can't recruit.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Confused wizards, the King of Spain and brave people who buy tinned beans in supermarkets.


Act 5 Scene 8

Steve  and Docs quickly get to work handing out joints and lighting them.

Docs: Light multiple joints for a spare. If one goes out you might not have enough fire power!

Steve: Laughing for once Enough fire-power? Didn’t you see what this stuff did to paedo Johnny?

Docs: Just in case. We can’t be certain yet if the effect is consistent. Besides, he smoked it himself! And it was one of the rockets too!

They all leave the cellar holding joints in each hand. Naomi Spence has been quietly briefed and has a joint in each hand. And is smoking them alternately.

Naomi Spence: Ahh, I feel so clear! It really DOES chase out your demons this stuff! I can’t hear the voices anymore.

They hear noises and shouts coming into the house.

Steve: Well I can hear those voices: they must have heard St Vile’s demon exploding.

Steve: So ok how do we do this?

John Hampton: Good question! Give me a second...

They do not need to be given time to think for an answer because the answer is provided for them by the destruction wrought upon the men as they come into contact with the protective smoke wafting all around the company. As soon as they smell the smoke it is enough to break their mind control and send the possessing demons  fried back into hell. Suddenly all of the shouting and angry men in cowls all seem to come to themselves and start chatting and asking where on Earth they are and what’s going on.

Prime Minister: I say, does anyone know what’s going on? I can’t remember a damned thing! 

King of Spain: stumbling towards Naomi ¿Donde estoy? He perdido mi memoria   

Naomi Spence: Huh? I’m sorry I don’t speak Spanish.

King of Spain: Lo seinto… I try to say, I am forgotten my memory….Do you know who Iyam?

Naomi Spence: No idea. But if you’re here you’re probably some kind of evil pervert I would have thought.

The King frowns mumbling ‘perverso’ and wanders off.

For a while the men are confused and disturbed and don’t know who they are and they just chat like forgetful old men and some women.

English prince: looking around him and appearing to realize something Excuse me! He is largely ignored so he raises his voice adopts a commanding tone Listen to me! I think I know what we’re all doing here.  We’re wearing these creepy costumes like from some weird movie about dark evil satanic rites.

A noise of assent and agreement stirs up from the now vaguely interested crowd.

French occultist: He is right!

English prince:  So whatever is happening we are the bad guys and they pointing to Steve Crew and the others are the good guys.

The sound of dawning realization comes from the erstwhile forgetful participants.

News-presenter: So what shall we do? I don’t even know my own name.

Famous pop musician and pianist: So we must chase them round and round until they all fall down! starts laughing hysterically

Steve and Crew come out of the house and face to face with Mr Hands.

Mr Hands: grinning and rubbing his hands together Yes indeed. We must most certainly chase them. Round and round indeed, until they all fall down.....DEAD.

Steve: taking a big draw on a joint and blasting it into Mr Hands’ face Take that you boney looking ghoul bag

Mr Hands: after the smoke clears I’m sorry son, there’s no smoking allowed here.

Mr Hands cuffs Steve hard around the right eye with his Tailor’s ring drawing blood and knocking Steve to the ground.

Mr Hands: the façade of kindly but creepy old man suddenly falls away leaving a very dangerous and self confident and extremely psychotic being Now you have a scar there son. Is your name Mark? You thought your poxy little puff factory would work on me? I’m not like these brainless vessels waving dismissively at the King of Spain and the Prime Minister of England. I am the MASTER…. My will is my own because the Dark Lord and I are ONE.

Mr Hands: calling out to a group of still confused men in wizarding robes who seem to be having  a little conference of their own: Come here you men.

Spokesperson of the confused wizards: I’m not sure that we will, we haven’t yet picked a side.

Mr Hands: You old fool, you picked a side lifetimes ago or you wouldn’t be in those robes.

Spokesperson of the confused wizards: Well hang on there a moment, we need to clear this up. We all appear to be dressed in the same way so we’ve decided we’re going to band together and  make a joint decision about who and what we do.

Mr Hands: quietly cursing for God’s sake. You old band of fools.

Spokesperson of the confused wizards:  Who says we’re fools? Maybe we’re the masters here.

One of the less confused confused wizards prods the spokesperson of the confused wizards.

Less confused wizard: quietly but not quietly enough not to be overheard What if we were doing something bad?  Well, if we were doing something bad we must have been doing it for a good reason. I mean, all this must be here for  a reason. So maybe we should just carry on doing what we were doing in the first place.

Spokesperson of the confused wizards: ponders for a moment But we don’t really know what we were doing in the first place.

Less confused wizard: Take a look around. Burning torches, creepy old house, old men in robes. It can’t be something good and if it isn’t, then that guy pointing to Mr Hands, definitely looks the worst and creepiest around so he must be the boss.

The spokesperson of the confused wizards stops and finding the logic difficult to refute, adopts a slightly thwarted look on his face: Hmmm, very well. You may continue Master turns around to less confused wizard and surreptitiously hits him. There is an OW clearly enunciated from within the confused wizards and Mr Hands smiles and continues as leader.

Mr Hands: And now suddenly returning to his guise as erudite and essentially harmless school teacher my dear though rather naughty young friend Cecilia Green must return to us for the culmination of the night’s revels which despite the loss of our esteemed friend Jimmy St Vile, we will continue a clock tower strikes and a bell is heard right on cue.

The smoke from the weed slowly dissipates and ceases to be effective as the assembled throng, restored to their wills, effectively decide that they are evil anyway and would very much like to continue as planned. Particularly as there are dim memories of an orgy taking place a little later.

Mr Hands: You see John and your clever, though scruffy little pothead friends, your special weed no longer has the desired effect. Some people are just born this way. Why discriminate? Let us have our fun…. indicating Steve, Crew and Docs, at their expense….

John Hampton: defiantly Not without a fight Hands!

Mr Hands: his eyes lighting up and pouting his lips with delight  Shall we wrestle? No, a duel! I’ve always wanted to do that. So Byronesque. He was a fine Tailor of a man was Lord Byron. I had you as a man very much after his heart you know. You do so disappoint me with all this new found ‘morality’ of yours you know. Besides, what is this all about anyway Hampton? Why are you siding with these worthless oafs? Signalling to the cowled men to restrain them Hold them!

John Hampton: Who says they’re worthless?

Mr Hands: Oh come on man, take a look at them! They are restrained by a dozen hands and cannot move What do they do but bumble around in their half life daze moving from one pronounces the word with disdain ‘cheeseburger’ to the next? Watching funny cats on the internet while stoned and buying tinned beans in supermarkets. They’re scarcely alive at all Hampton! I thought you were headed for the stars John, like us. Living eternally in the astral light with the Earth perpetually under your gaze and at your command. Considering a moment I’ll tell you what, we can make this work for both of us. I shall make you an example of my infinite mercy. I will forgive you and readmit you to the infernal light. But you know what you must do. Mr Hands hands Hampton a ceremonial dagger. Do it now John. You’re one of us, you always were. I can’t hypnotise you, you seem to have foiled even my best tricks but you can be like me, a free and willing servant of evil dwelling forever in the heart of the dark  star pointing to a specific place in the night sky and we shall climb the serpent’s tail together.

John Hampton turns to Steve and Crew. A new look has come into John Hampton’s eyes, a growing malice and a disquieting smirk at the corner of his mouth.

Steve: seeing this new look in John’s eyes resignedly holds up his hands and turning to the others Ahh,  that’s it then. At least we tried. I think this is as far as we go on this one guys.

Docs: considering Meh. I suppose so. We did well to get this far really to be honest. Who’d have known these guys are just naturally evil. I thought once we blew the demons out that would do the trick. But hey ho, there y’go. You live and learn.

Steve: wanly tries to crack a joke Well, not so much of the living anymore.

Docs gives a mirthless dry single laugh.

Crew: The bad guys always win, everyone knows that. Life isn’t a movie.

Docs: pleasantly surprised Hey Crew, you’re straight again…. Well, that’s something I guess.

Crew: Yeah, thanks for that ‘chocolate’.

Steve: winking There’s nothing that Crew won’t swallow.

All three of them smile and chuckle for a moment, then await John’s work with the ceremonial knife.

John Hampton: for a moment is still, holding the knife. The strange look suddenly leaves his eyes and he throws it down to the ground. Never. These baked bean eating straggly stoners are my new friends. I could never in my life imagine anyone facing death so bravely. Certainly not one of you people. These are better men than you give them credit for and I will gladly die by their side as one of them.

Crew: Great!

Docs: considering well…not so great for John and no better for us.

Mr Hands: surprised raising one eyebrow in a slightly camp malefic gesture of surprise, like an evil Kenneth Williams then he shrugs. Hmm. I  thought you’d do something recklessly and self destructively noble like that….. There’s something about you. Lost in thought for a moment, appears unsure of what to do next. Makes a sudden decision. Ok bring them with us. I don’t know why but I like you Hampton, and your stupid friends….. Would be a shame to kill you somehow, at least right now… stops for a moment again apparently lost in thought I’ll have to think of a more noble and deserving end for you and your unwashed friends than mere quick butchery.

They all walk away from the house towards the Hellwood caves.

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