Act 5 Scene 1.
Steve and Crew’s Brick Lane council-flat. The TV is on.
Newscaster: Steaming hot music-doings now as Madonna is apparently injured in magickal duel with Angelina Jolie.
At five o’clock yesterday afternoon the slightly evil pop star celebrity Madonna was spotted by concerned locals of her private English holiday village in a tired and distressed condition.
On-lookers describe the Dark Queen of Pop covered in boils and emitting ectoplasm in long stringy strands which attempted to entangle anyone within range. It was reported that a small black terrier called Jacob was attacked by the tendrils and drawn towards Madonna where its energy was absorbed. The first lady of Pop then reportedly transformed herself into a crow and flew away, just like in the video for Frozen.
Friends had previously expressed concerns over her health which had been taking its toll as a result of too much investment in magickal ego battles with other celebrities, but some are unsurprised. Close friend and fashion designer Ledger St.Nick downplayed his concern at Madonna’s condition and said ‘She’s doing what a woman does, she’s a woman and women have the right to not be afraid of their emotions just because they are women. You go girl!’
However, not everyone was quite so sympathetic. Ricky Plonker seemed unsurprised and related how at a party at Steve Coogan’s house Madonna had spontaneously and without any warning, given birth to a Golem which wandered around the room and befouled all the cocaine. The Golem was banished as a result of its careless actions and returned to the black vortex and Madonna felt very silly indeed.
The Queen of the Underworld was recently in the news for having her official birth-name changed. Madonna informed the world at a press conference from a blasted heath where she stated that as of she now she must be addressed as: The Goddess of the Wicca, the Great Goddess, the Mother of All Living; the Creatrix, and the Destroyer; The Triple Goddess: Like a Virgin, the Bride, and the Hag, and foremost wickety witch of the Royal Trinity of third-world adopting Mothers.
It appears that Madonna’s condition was caused by a befuddling spell cast by Angelina Jolie which she failed to ward-off during a private duel. Jolie, whose magickal mother married a muggle from the TV News, was reportedly reacting to Madonna’s public threat made live at the MTV awards, that she wanted to ‘kill that mud-blood bitch’. Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt went to the UN and tabled a motion to ban Madonna from 3rd density Earth and send her back underground but he was blocked by Israel who weren’t ready to repatriate the Black Queen of Pop as the portal under construction beneath Mount Golgotha had fallen behind schedule and the date at which Madonna will return to the chaos void has been put back to 2018.
Jolie, the jumping and fighting Hollywood star was voted ‘Best at Pretending’ at this year’s Academy awards ceremony for her role in this year’s action hit: ‘Punch a Face’. Jolie and Pitt recently spent three days conducting rituals at the Hellfire caves in Buckinghamshire for charity. Jolie’s superhero father Jon Voigt said he was ‘sick of it all and wanted out!’ Jolie’s children, Ramboh, Nocherty St Knox, Paxo, Pasaz, Sarah-Jane-Morgoth and Saxon were all discovered not far from the scene of the alleged spell-casting, chanting in Latin and singing acapella 80’s hits but all denied involvement.
Madonna was later said to be in a stable condition, and declared able to perform by a wandering Joojoo man, at a benefit concert in support of Femiwitch terrorist organisation: Stinky Vadge Rage to be held in New-York later that evening.
In related news, the star child of star Billabong Cyrus, his daughter, the mad Miley Cyrus reportedly caught a highly contagious virus this morning, depleting her mana levels, and leaving her open to the magickal onslaught of the Council of the 27 club. This new blow to her career comes fast on the heels of the Domincans Republic’s much discussed declaration of war on Miley Cyrus on the grounds that she is an ‘unclean thing and not fit to inhabit the Earth’ which was met with apparent wordwide tuts and sniffs of disapproval, yet apparently, still stands, and Miley is considered, a valid military target by the Dominican Republic. It is hoped among well wishers and friends, that more countries do not decide to declare unilateral war on Miley Cyrus, particularly in her present weakened condition.
Crew: Mad –eds.
Steve: quoting Fair is foul and foul is fair,
Crew: Hover through the fog and filthy air.
Steve: Sounds like our flat.
Crew: It’s Shakespeare.
Steve: without irritation Yeah I know. It was me who was quoting him.
Crew: Well, Shakespeare knew the score about witches mixing themselves up with politics.
Steve: There was no Shakespeare, at least not as we know him. William Shakespeare was an illiterate Elizabethan actor. The man who wrote the plays was a very different character.
Steve: I will if you’re making some.
Crew: Francis Bacon.
Steve: Yeah I know. But I’m still hungry. Bit of Bacon would go down a treat. Go make us some.
Crew: In a minute, I just want to watch the rest of this show.
Steve: Show? It’s the News, it’s not a show!
TV Newscaster: Fresh controversy…
Steve: snorts Fresh! Fresh! Why does everything have to be ‘fresh’ or ‘hot’. Jesus, making me even hungrier, hurry up with that buttie will ya?
Crew: Shhh! I’m watching this. It’s all codes.
Steve: Ha, you won’t catch me out again with that ‘codes’ cobblers.
Crew: Shhh! There IS a code, a subtext in every third line. I’m listening. Can you be quiet? I need to get in step with it.
Newscaster: ..the disappearance of Naomi Spence and now the reported disappearance a young girl Cecilia Green, a student at the same prestigious talent school as Naomi Spence. Tosser was on fire hours ago as a Facebucks post from the young girl before her reported disappearance read: “I’m off to see my favourite star PlAttitude. Excited and” at which point in the message Miss Green inserted a nervous smiley. Speculation as to the meaning and significance of the nervous smiley has been rampant in the hours following the reported disappearance of the girl.
Crew: Look at that, do you think that’s ‘our Cecilia’?
Steve: There aren’t too many Cecilia’s in the world as far as I’ve noticed. It is her, it’s the same name. Green, our Cecilia is called Green too.
Crew: So who’s the other Green?
Steve: What are you talking about?
Crew: You said our Green was called Green too, so who was the other Green?
Steve: Green? Wh..exasperated Jesus, look in the mirror, it’s you, you’re green. You smoke too much.
Crew: Oh yeah, I gotya now. Sorry.
Steve: Thank God.
Steve: So what was the coded message?
Crew: No, there was no code that time. It was a clear transmission.
Steve: Well that’s a disappointment!
Crew: That’s putting it mildly. Our friend and rescuer has been kidnapped, and I think we know by who. It’s time to shake rattle and roll a joint.
Steve: : Then ‘spring into action’ like last time. That stuff doesn’t do us any good man. Let’s go out clean.
Crew: It might be safer.
Steve: Still that does seem funny seeing that on the news. And we’re kind if mixed up in some way in it.
Crew: I think we’re definitely mixed up in it.
Steve: We’ve got to be careful.
There is a knock on the door. Crew screams again.
Steve: admonishing Get a hold of yourself man.
Crew: Sorry nervously polite who is there?
Docs: It’s Docs man, let me in quick.
Steve opens the door and Docs stealthily pounces into the flat.
Docs: Woo! It’s been a mad one today. Something evil is at large in the streets of the capital bruvs. Something emphasis the word MALEFIQUE!
Steve: We think they’ve taken that little girl Cecilia.
Docs: Oh yeah?
Steve: Looks like it. Weird it being on the news only a few hours after she was reported missing though. She must be important to some one.
Crew: Of course she is doofus: her parents, friends and loved ones.
Steve: All the same, little girls go missing all the time, it usually doesn’t get on the news until a couple of days or if the little girl is found dead. How come this is going out only after a few hours, I mean, she could just be playing at a friend’s house and forgot to call her parents.
Crew: Maybe there’s not a lot of news in the world today. Also there’s the PlAttitude connection. Same school, and the Tosser message.
Steve: That’s another thing, she’s only been missing a few hours apparently, and Tosser and Facebucks are going mad, so the social-media frenzy must have started very closely to her being reported missing.
Crew: Maybe she’s got good friends.
Steve: It’s odd…. Almost organized.
Crew: And you call me paranoid?
Steve: Ah forget it, the whole things weird. I guess I’m just getting weird myself.
Crew: When the going gets weird, don’t go weird dude. Everyone knows that.
Steve: Who knows that? That’s not a saying. You’ve just made it up.
Crew: Well it’s true in this case, don’t go too weird.
Steve: If I want to get weird I’ll take lessons from the master.
Crew: Who’s that?
Docs: Never mind all that boys. Listen here, there have been further developments.
Steve: In what?
Docs: slowly and with supreme importance: Chemical.....warfare. His gravitas has made the two men silent. We made the Antidope. He produces a fat cigar like hand rolled cigarette, here it is: herba demonis fuga, or in English: the herb that chases away the devil. Paracelsus said “God has placed a great arcanum (secret) in the herb” A man whom official history has forgotten, is well remembered in the Tailor lodges of the world. For it was he who created the Sovereign order of St. John. They were closely associated with the Knight’s Temper whom they used to treat medically and lodge. They used to treat the Templars specifically with this plant to help treat battlefield casualties, not only those with physical wounds though, but also with mental ones. The rigors of killing and endless desperate slaughter led to the development of a wide range of psychological problems developing in the body of Knights....
Steve: Excuse me a minute, is this a lecture?
Docs: Yes, now don’t interrupt.
Docs: And they used this herb to treat them and relieve them of their despair and madness.
Crew: Got it!
Docs: Well done, have a banana.
Steve: So what are you saying?
Docs: I’m talking about a herbal extract which historically has been known to make demons flee, something GOD himself created ‘just for the spirits and mad fantasies that drive men to despair’ I’m talking about a smoking blend which, for some reason, sends demons scattering and cowering, I’m talking about only one thing......he pronounces the words very slowly and individually weaponised Saint-John’s Wort.
Steve: You serious? Weaponised Saint John's wort? That stuff nervous people hoover up at Holler and Burnit's?
Docs: You bet.
Crew: Has it been tested? Does it work?
Docs: You bet it does. You can put it in the mix and it smokes easily too. It’s a liquid extract, super strong.
Crew: How does it work?
Docs: No idea, but it does. It must work somehow on the brain. The active ingredient is hypericin apparently.
Crew: I’m gonna Gawp it. After a moment of Gawping on the internet. Found it. Gawp top result, here: reading
Research of hypericin and its effect on GABA-activated (gamma amino butyric acid) currents and NMDA (N-methyl-D-aspartat) receptors also indicate the therapeutic potential of this substance whereby new insights in stroke research (apoplexy) are expected. Also in the relatively newly established fields of medical photochemistry and photobiology, intensive research reveals hypericin to be a promising novel therapeutic and diagnostic agent in treatment and detection of cancer (photodynamic activation of free radical production).
Hypercin light mediated….works better in light apparently. Photodynamic! Wow sounds cool.
Docs: You bet it does, because as Paracelsus says, it’s from the Lord God himself in all his dazzling majesty. What we have here is gentlemen is light mediated outward projecting anti-psychoticant demon medicine.
Crew: I’ve got a question?
Steve: So have I….What’s a psychoticant?
Docs: What’s your question Crew?
Crew: Can we have some?
Docs: That’s why I’ve come round boys. What we’ve seen this past week is big and life may never be the same again: something's brewing boys, and I don’t mean one of Crew’s eggy stinkers. Docs goes through his bag and brings out two 3ml vials. Here.
Steve: It looks like blood.
Docs: They used to call it ‘the blood of Christ’. Quoting: ‘Any devils and witches have no power to harm, those that gather the plant for a charm’
Steve: Docs, what are you now, a medieval minstrel? What’s with the performance?
Docs: It’s not performance my friends, we’re in the heat of battle, this information could save your life.
Crew: All the same Docs, you are milking it a bit. Looks at his vial And this stuff: there doesn’t seem to be much here.
Docs: It’s not a drink Crew, you don’t put it in a pint glass and down-it. It’s an essence, you put a few drops on a joint and smoke it. I don’t know how it works but it seems to work through you. Affects those things waves his hand outside somehow, sends them flying, running away as fast as they can. I’ve tested it out.
Crew: excitedly Maybe it’s like an X-Man chemical or something, turns you into an X Man!
Steve: Egg-man more like, the man of super smelly hot fart power. They could call you Ignite Laughing to himself ha ha, no, Egg-nite ha ha.
Crew: Hey man, don’t bring me down.
Steve: still laughing but controlling himself Sorry dude, it just makes this all seem relatively normal if I’m trying to wind you up; having a go at you gives me a sort of connection to a reassuringly mundane reality.
Crew: Well, I’m glad to be of service but lay off the egg references, especially if we meet any girls.
Suddenly a man in a suit and tie walks into view having entered the room totally unnoticed just after Docs turned up.
Steve: What the fuck?
Docs: It’s a bust man.
Crew: Is it a bust? Looking nervously at the man walking towards them from the shadows then at Steve Steve is it a bust?
Steve: keeping his gaze unblinking on the man’s eyes as soon as he appeared I don’t know. Addressing the man Is this a bust?
John Hampton: thoughtfully Hmmm, I don’t think so. I could call somebody, they’d be quite interested in that new weed you’ve got hold of there Docs, as for the St John’s Wort, an interesting hypothesis and there may be something in it.
Docs: This is illegal entry, who are you?
John Hampton: My name is John Hampton and I’m not a police-officer, at least not right now.
Steve: What are you a part-time copper?
Crew: Starts singing Stevie Wonder’s Part-Time Lover Don’t want nothing to be wrong with part-time copper.
John: to Crew Never mind that, I know that the girl Cecilia Green was here last night.
Steve: defensively We haven’t got her.
John: I know you haven’t. But I know where she is.
John: We’ve been tracking her for months, as well as the Virgin Wood’s school for attractive children and it’s relationship with a group of men called the Tailors.
Steve: Yeah, we’ve encountered them.
John: I know you have.
Crew: We’ve got this new weed that makes us see ghosts.
John: I know you have
Crew: to Steve ‘ere Steve how comes Mr Know-you-have here knows more about us than we know about us?
John: answering Crew The girl at your flat last night who can’t stop talking.
Steve: Strange Quark?
John: Yes, she’s very good at gathering information, she has a perfect memory. She told me everything you discussed last night, which bearing in mind the recent disappearance of our mutual friend Miss Green, has become extremely valuable information to someone who would save the young lady’s life.
Steve: Like you?
John: No…. deliberate pause Like us! We work together on this one. You guys know the terrain AND you’ve got a possible secret weapon. We have to move, instantly. We get in my car and we drive out to where Cecilia is being detained and rescue her.
Crew: clearly excited Awesome!
Steve: Are you sure she’s being held against her will out there? Maybe she did just forget to call her mum.
John: decisively No, that’s not it. Like I say, we’ve been tracking them for months, our spies on the inside or the organization tell us that a ritual is taking place in the caves at Felchester Abbey. There will be a virgin sacrifice. This means they will kill her. I won’t have these human sacrifices in my operating area: not on my patch, not if I can help it.
Steve: What is your patch?
John: Earth is my patch.
Crew: You’re telling me they want to kill that girl who saved us the other day?
John: That’s right, so no more time for talking we have to move, now! You too Docs, we need your expertise in handling this waving to the vials of red liquid interesting material; we need a safe pair of hands and a seasoned psychonaut like you for this one Docs, are you in?
Docs: Upbeat Sure, ok.
Steve: Just one thing before we go, who do you work for John?
John: laughs I work for no one but the Absolute. God.
Crew: You’re not a Jesuit are you?
John: Jesus Christ are you kidding? I hope I don’t come across like a Jesuit.
Steve: Something culty?
John Hampton: Did you say culty?
John: quickly Don’t be stupid, let’s just get out of here. The only thing that is real and eternal is the light of God, this is the only thing I follow. Evil and discordant events such as those perpetrated by the Tailoring brotherhood, take a severe toil on the vibrationary frequency of the human spirit, gradually weakening not only our bodies but our souls, events which darken reality and the very world as we know it. Anyone who follows the light of truth must do all he can to foil these dark plans. Listen, I work with a group of people who share information and right now I am acting on this information. That is all, I am not part of any secret conspiratorial group or cult of any kind, can we go now?
Steve: Good enough for me. Ok out of here.
Docs: Let’s go.
They leave the flat and get into John Hampton’s Ford Fiesta.
Steve: Would have thought a guy like you would drive a Jag or an Aston.
John Hampton: Classic rookie error. This car is perfect for my purposes: it doesn't stand out. It is also the biggest selling and most common car on the streets of this country right now: The Ford Fiesta. And the colour black, although technically not a colour, is also the most common car colour, in the UK at this time. Although I was tempted to choose white because Apple seems to have sparked a growth in white cars, however I quickly realized that a black car would be much easier to hide in some trees.
Crew: with awe Hiding in trees! Like camouflage.
John Hampton: Exactly. Both urban and rural. Besides, I have made some improvements.
Crew: Laughing Car-mouflage! Haha, see what I did there?
Steve: addressing John What are they?
John Hampton: This? Presses a button Crew’s chair starts to massage him.
Steve: laconically Oh that’ll be useful in an emergency. Get the bad guy to sit in the massage-seat and massage him to death.
John Hampton: Haven’t finished the tour yet old boy. Well take your key or something and scratch your name into the window back there.
Steve tried scratching his name into the glass but utterly fails to even make a mark on it.
John Hampton: Not happening eh? Try a bit harder, try to chip it.
Steve starts stabbing at the glass with his key.
John Hampton: Turn up the heat!
Steve starts really hitting the window with his key, after a while he gives up nursing his hand.
John Hampton: Bullet proof glass Aluminium Oxynitride, still officially in development.
Steve: So why have you got some if you’re not some spook or something?
John Hampton: Because I happen to have shared University halls with the fella who invented it. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know, you know.
Crew: Sadly I don’t know anyone. I mean, not anyone who could make me a bullet-proof car.
John Hampton: You should think yourself lucky you don’t need one. You’re winning the game of life by staying alive, me, I’m chancing my hand. I can’t take any risks when already so much is left to fate.
Crew: Yeah you’re right, I guess I’m getting overexcited.
John Hampton: Well you’re part of it now, but for me it’s a full-time job, right now just do as I say and hope we get through this successfully. We have a very dangerous mission with very dangerous adversaries who are capable of all kinds of tricks. If caught it is useless to reason with them on any logical level because they will never listen: their minds are totally controlled, and this makes them immune to reason logic and compassion, this makes them dangerous, it is also their greatest weakness. Reason logic and compassion are faster and better operating systems. We are smarter, faster and stronger. Even when physically fighting these creatures we can easily overpower them because they have no strength of their own, once you oppose them and resolve to attack them they will cower and scatter, unless their numbers are greatly superior.
Crew: How many will there be?
John Hampton: About three hundred of them.
Steven: But there’s only four of us.
John Hampton: Only for the moment.
Steve: What do you mean?
John Hampton: Don’t worry about that. In fact don’t think about anything that is about to happen, just be in the NOW, this is the source of all power, you must totally focus constantly on the present moment in the coming confrontation. Do not be distracted by anything from the past, it is totally irrelevant for tonight’s action, and do not think about what could or might happen next, just do what your will tells you to do at that moment. Be constantly thus vigilant.
Crew: Is this a Yoga lesson?
John Hampton: It’s a life-lesson. Valuable information. People pay a lot of money for all that kind of stuff you know. That’s how they get people into joining the Tailors and the Hell-Chasers, they learn a few bits of info and see a few practical demonstrations. Of course from that point they are amazed at the spiritual gifts of the Tailors and awed into total acquiescence, not to mention fear, especially as they come closer and closer to the abyss.
Crew: Hey Docs, you ok back there. What you doing?
The Doc has unnoticed been busy rolling joints, he appears to have already rolled 10 joints.
Docs: Laughing Just loading the weapons with a decent size clip. When these little rockets goes off, it’s going to be goodnight to the ghoul-show.
They drive out of Brick Lane and into the London dusk.
Act 5 Scene 2
Secret meeting of the chapter of the Secret Pockets of the Knights of the Sacred Trousers taking place at Felchester Abbey. A video is playing. The room contains the 300 most powerful people in the world. They are all masked and they are all wearing numbers from 1-300.
As the people in the room sit down an unseen voice addresses the audience.
Unseen voice: And so we reach the final phase of our plan which I am sure you await with the utmost alacrity.
A screen descends and a short video begins showing planet Earth from space.
The Planet Earth. 5 Billion years old. All of the life presently living on this planet, and almost all of the human beings on this planet have been here much much longer than their life span of some 70 years.... The image of Earth fades to a shot of a fun-fair and people going to and fro, there is a long limgering shot on a musical merry go round. As the merry go round stops, people get off and others get on and the music starts again.
Unseen voice: This represents the planet Earth, and the people respectively quitting or taking their places on the backs of the various fantastical animals representing the newly departing or incarnating souls. The new arrivals climb onto their seat: their new human body, all very unfamiliar and new to them, and the ride takes them through their life, on it’s steady preset course, up and down, side to side, but never erring from its preset trajectory. What humans call ‘free will’ is really a chimera which doesn’t exist. From one moment to the next, humanity is controlled by its genetic heredity.
The merry go round is a distraction from the ‘real life’ which exists in the pure spirit and which our master has prepared for us, for our comfort and pleasure and the time has come for our master to release the birds from their cages and allow them to fly home and perch where they will. At this, the image of the fair-ground is replaced with the original shot of the Earth, which starts to turn and weave in a rotation designed to echo the merry go round shown before, at the same time the same carnival music starts to play.
And so it goes on, and on and on. But not for much longer. The Earth starts to increase its spinning and the movement appears to become much more erratic, the music speeds up to a frenzied pace.
The image we can see now is our preset chaotic and apparently rudderless Earth with its 7 billion human souls, its poverty, wide-scale environmental destruction, it’s a world of sin, it’s pious hypocrites and wolves in sheep’s clothing, a picture of Johnny St Vile appears on the screen.
Johnny St Vile: proudly audible from the back of the assembly Hey that’s me that is!
Unseen Voice: Sordid entertainments, secret atrocities hidden behind a million locked doors. He pauses and the images continues to increase in pace and the music continues to increase in frenzy Until.......The Earth suddenly explodes in a huge fireball. We act!
There are several surprised gasps which are suddenly stifled.
Finally the orders are known, like our Jacobite brothers under Lucifer: the Magogs running through that uncertain reign of Queen Anne’s protestant England we shall go out and bring this final destruction to this accursed carnival and bring all finally home to our Master in the deep skies. But this time we will spare none and go all-in, our justice comes up from the very cracks in the street.
We are a vapor which raises up when the temperature is just right. In bright weather we linger in the stark shadows, a planck’s length only separates us from the street and action, but we must hold close to the night contained in the stark shadow for we can not venture out into the high-twelve brightness, but give us space for invisible thought and we can lower the blind and blind that oppressive vision which we are doomed to resent. Give us still air and a sudden coldness. A bad smell, something gritty in the eyes, the miasma rolls in, bringing us and our eternal siege. But eternal no more, for soon we shall be free. The time is Now. Send the message far and wide to every centre of power local, national and international. The time is Now. The suddenness, the speed and coordination of our fatal mission will awe and cow any opposition. They will marvel at the organizational skill and some will think It is their God himself ordering affairs. Indeed, many of our greatest allies in this enterprise are under the strained but persistent delusion that it is their God who does our work.
Ha! Fools and imbeciles not fit for life. As if their God has the necessary malice to achieve such a task. How they insult us with their base assumptions which we feed at every opportunity. How glad we will be to see their final apotheosis of horror as they see with the clearer vision of the next life and see that they were horribly mistaken. And then we will ambush them and lead them in chains of their own fashioning. What mirth, what sport could be better for such as we? So see to it. The time is Now. This is the final order. The final, final solution to the problem of humanity.
Act 5 scene 3
John Hampton: We’ve got half an hour before the ritual begins and 1 hour of road to travel. So that means we’re going to have to move fast. Really fast. Better make sure your seat belts are on in the back.
With a screech of tires they pull carefully out of Brick Lane. Suddenly as they turn onto Shoreditch High Street the 500 HP Super Fiesta fires into life and with a fiery roar, they charge to Old Street in a second and onto the City Road, they follow the city belt, as if skirting some kind of old city wall, after roaring past Kings Cross a policeman takes a lively interest in their manner of mobilization. He takes the radio from his pocket and calls his colleagues.
Policeman: Paddington-Green, Black Ford Fiesta seen running a red light and driving at excess speed at Kings Cross station, will pursue at distance, request surveillance information and tracking. Over
Steve: We’re going to fast through London man, we’re going to get busted.
John Hampton: They’ll never catch us. I’m a better driver and this car is a better car. Once we hit the Westway I’ll really show you watch she can do.
Steve: No please, don’t. We’ll never make it there alive.
Policeman: on radio Target is driving West, possibly out of London onto the Westway, have pursuit cars standing by ready.
At Paddington Green Police station two Ford Focuses pull onto the Westway and turn on their blues and twos as soon as they hear the roar of the black Ford Fiesta.
Steve: hearing the siren Oh nooooo. That’s us. They’re after us, we’ve had it.
John Hampton: Nil desperandum…… auspice deo.
John Hampton: Don’t worry, we’re on a mission from God….roughly.
Steve: That’s not Latin that’s the Blues Brothers.
John Hampton: rapidly turning the wheel and a screech of tires as they narrowly avoid a horrific accident involving an articulated lorry. Auspice deo….Didn’t you do Latin at school?
Steve: Surprisingly no. Normal people don’t do Latin at school.
Docs: Mīsit equitēs ad īnsequendum
John Hampton: Except they’re not on horses and we’re not running away.
PC Parker: driving Jesus he’s really hammering it. Either his wife is having a baby or he’s had some kind of breakdown. Let’s get him. They follow the Ford in the relatively quiet evening traffic.
They follow in pursuit now driving at 70, 80…90
PC Slater: He’s a maniac, looks at the speedometer he must be doing a ton. Bloody hell, all the same go easy. I’ll radio an intercept. If they get there on time. Into radio White-city, black Ford Fiesta with 4 males driving down Westway, approx 2 minutes from your location. Intercept black Ford Fiesta travelling at speed. You’ll be able to hear our sirens, we’re running at about 20 seconds behind target.
They black Ford roars past the two police-cars waiting at Bentworth are shocked as the car arrives before they seem to hear it.
PC Jones: Bloody hell! That wasn’t a Ford Fiesta. I didn’t even see the bugger.
PC Ellis: I did, I don’t care how fancy his engine, I’m having this bastard.
The Ford is now being pursued by four police-cars. Two are 500 metres behind while the other two are about 100 metres and 300 metres behind respectively all lights and sirens.
The Ford races on ahead past Gerard’s Cross where four police cars are deployed and a police helicopter are deployed to continue the chase. Further down the M40.
John Hampton: We turn off here.
Steve: we’ll get arrested.
John Hampton: No we won’t. Everything is in our favour. We know where we’re going; we are travelling in the dark; We have a better car.
Steve: What? It’s not better than that helicopter though.
John Hampton: Don’t worry about the chopper. They’re not able to land in woodland.
Crew: We’re going to hide the car in the woods?
John Hampton: uhhuh.
Steve: That’s if we get there in on piece.
John Hampton: Don’t worry, I have a secret weapon.
Crew: Awesome, what is it?
John Hampton: Ghost-car!
Crew: supremely excited Coooowuuuul
Steve: What’s ‘ghost-car’?
John Hampton: This! John turns off all the car’s lights suddenly the road ahead is in total darkness and their way now lit only by starlight
Steve: This is crazy! You can’t see!
Steve: And can’t be seen. The car is now no longer visible at to all the police helicopter as it makes it way down the dark country road. Now we’ll slow down and take it easy; nothing to see ladies and gentlemen.. Let’s turn off here into the woods.
The police are left fuming as they search for any trace of the phantom Ford Fiesta.
PC Ellis: I’m gonna stay up all night and all morning finding that son of bitch. From Walter’s Ash to Radnage, I’ll scour the country for that fancy little black shitmobile.
The car is well hidden from view, hidden behind a thicket off a narrow bridle path just across a ditch from Felchester abbey.
John Hampton: I just need to make a quick phone-call. John walks into the bushes and makes a phone call. After a couple of minutes he returns. You guys wait here. I’m going to scout it out and see if what we can do. Starts to walk off
Crew: Shall we go mushroom picking?
Steve: Magic mushrooms?
Crew: Wrong time of year, might find some Saint George’s mushrooms, they’re yummy.
John Hampton turns back briefly intrigued by the mushroom conversation.
John Hampton: Morels, that’s the stuff, won’t grown here though, the air’s too dirty…. walks off towards the house
Crew: Even here?
John Hampton: Too close to London. Walking off.
Act 5 scene 4
John goes towards the top of the hill to the Mausoleum.
He immediately seeks out Johnny St Vile and the head Wizard.
Greetings brothers: I bring you a trinity guests to do with as you please.
Johnny St Vile: All boys I suppose?
John Hampton: Yes sir.
Johnny St. Vile: asking the wizard is he a woofter? Why does he bring smelly boys?
Are there no girls around here? I want to put some practice in.
Head Wizard: Remember the solemnity of the ritual Vile.
Johnny St.Vile: Solemnity of the ‘ritual’ poppycock! Putting on a particularly coarse Yorkshire accent D’you ‘ere me? You got that cocker? Poppycock I call it. Some people overhear and turn surprised to look at him It’s an orgy cub no more and no less and you’re dressing it up.
Head Wizzard: Indignant It is no such thing, the revels and their pleasures are incidental, they are merely our reward for the hours of labor we put in. They are not and never have been the end in themselves. How can you not know this Vile? As grand wizard I begin to question your commitment.
Johnny St.Vile: Get off your high-horse there Merlin the magickal, I know who you are when you’re not in here lording it up. I know what you get up to too ‘cos I’m the mug who helps you get up to it.
Head Wizard: You are to speak no more Vile under risk of punishment. Vile suddenly turns silent then starts whistling and rolling his eyes in a comical way at John Hampton who doesn’t laugh.
Johnny St.Vile: operating in ‘dual-self’ mode and pointedly referring to John Hampton If it’s not bad enough that he only likes kidnapping little fairy boys he doesn’t have a sense of humor either.
John Hampton: Sorry sir. I lived in Japan for too long.
Johnny St.Vile grunts an affirmation of a dismissal.
Head Wizard: Let us go out to these boys with our full assembly and laugh at their faces to see their supposed benefactor betray them. Oh how we shall laugh. Come! Let us all wear our revel masks both to protect ourselves and for extra mirth.
The assembly is called to order and instructions are given by the Grand Wizard for everyone to come down the hill into Bender’s wood and surprise them!
Act 5 scene 5
Docs: Did you hear that noise?
Steve: Likely a pheasant. It sure ain’t a copper and they’re our main worry right now after the highway to hell speeding adventure with cops and helarcopters and near certain death all the way out of London. Christ, I think I died twice from terror.
Crew: We made it here didn’t we? Just as like he said. I trust him implicitly.
Steve: Oh? The hitherto conspiratorial and dare I say, at times, slightly paranoid Crew suddenly trusts a man he’s never met before ‘implicitly’. What’s happening to you man? You’re going soppy.
Crew: Well, I trust him because he promised we woudn’t die and we didn’t die. I’m taking this step by step, like he said ‘don’t think about the future, only focus on the present’ that’s what I’m doing.
Docs: interrupting Let’s get down to action. Let me give you your weapons gentlemen. Hands 10 special dual-action weed and Saint-John’s Wort joints to each man. Remember as long as you have one of these joints lit you will be safe. If your joint goes out or you run out you will be in serious danger from the 300 demon possessed buggery beggars in there.
Docs: What was that noise?
John Hampton: It’s ok, it’s me. John Hampton goes over and confiscates the joints. Suddenly behind John are hundreds of people who had all managed to approach the boys without being detected. They are all wearing a variety of awful and disturbing masks. Some are Frankenstein’s monster heads, some are aliens, others are simply grotesques images.
Grand Wizard: courteously Ahh, welcome guests. But our lodge is already full gentlemen. Therefore we will house you and clothe you in alternative accommodation. They are taken by the men forced to change into white-robes and taken to the cave temple where they see Cecilia.
Crew: Hey who are these jokers?
Steve: sardonically Why, isn’t it obvious? They’re all English Heritage gold-card members. They have permission to visit historical monuments after hours and conduct human sacrifices.
Grand Wizard: Hahaha Mr Funny. Very droll. But no, we are here with the kind permission of the land owner. Ordering take them away to the dungeon. To himself Ahh! I do soooo enjoy saying that. To Steve And maybe I can have a little fun with you too later Mr Funny, we’ll see how you feel at the sacrifice and perhaps you might sacrifice something to me and I will give something to you unconsciously touching his lips sensually with sordid delight at the thought of what he wants to give him and what he means to take away.
Steve struggles with the three men handling him towards the caves ahead at the bottom of the hill.
Grand Wizard: slowly and fruitily Ahh yes, the struggle. I do soooo love the struggle….. Appears to be getting quite emotional.
The three men are bundled over to the caves and forced to wear white robes. They arrive in a part of the cave system called ‘the dungeon’.
Waiting there is a face they recognize and one they don’t, an enormous, facially scarred psychopathic guard.
Crew: Why? It’s the little girl? Cecilia.
Steve: Never mind the little girl, take a look at the big fella.
Big Fella: Big Fella isn’t my name but it’ll do for the night. You boys watch yourselves.
Crew: But at least Cecilia is safe.
Steve: Safe? How’s being kidnapped and taken to an underground dungeon and dressed in a white robe safe?
Docs: She’s alive. I guess that’s what he meant.
Crew: calling out Hey Cecilia!
Crew: calling out Hey Cecilia!
She ignores him completely.
Crew: waving Hey Cecilia, it’s us, pointing ‘the boys’!
Kora: Looks at them steadily. Slowly Are you talking to me?
Crew: Of course. It’s us, we’ve come to rescue you.
Kora: Laughing Oh really and who’s going to rescue you?
Crew: What’s going on little girl?
Kora: I am not a little girl. I am Kora the majestic queen of the underworld and daughter of a Goddess.
Docs: Maybe if we had the antidope we could bring her out of it.
Steve: Out of what?
Docs: She’s in a trance if you hadn’t noticed. Look at the lack of muscle control over the face: she has no facial expression, look at her eyes, she’s not even looking at you, she’s gazing somewhere past you. They don’t call me Docs for nothing.
Crew: Maybe you’re right. How do we snap her out of it?
Steve: Try to reason with her.
Crew: No, John said that wouldn’t work.
Steve: John? He betrayed us, he brought us here to be sacrificed or something.
Crew: Steve, we don’t know we’re going to be sacrificed, maybe we’re just being invited to the orgy.
Big Fella: That’s enough talking boys, you’re making me angry, and when I’m angry suddenly people develop broken bones.
Kora: interrupting Oh yes, you will be sacrificed.
Steve: Oh great! We’re going to be sacrificed. Turning on Crew Orgy? Jesus listen to yourself Crew, there might be an orgy but it won’t be a fun orgy, it’ll be an evil orgy with those murderous Tailor men. Besides I haven’t seen any women, they might all be men and just us and Cecilia here. This isn’t a good thing Crew, we’ve got to bust the hell out of here, not sit around waiting for the bar to open.
Crew: humbled Sorry I lost control of myself a bit there, I guess I’m just trying to be positive.
Docs: flatly So they’re going to kill us.
John Hampton makes an appearance dressed from head to toe as Neptune the God of the deep.
Crew: Hey look it’s John, our savior.
He ignores them.
Docs: looking at John’s face Oh not him as well.
Steve: What’s your name?
John Hampton: slowly I am Pluto King of the underworld. You will eat. He offers them some pomegranate seeds.
Crew: eating Oh great I love pomegranate ... he starts shoving them into his face. Steve suddenly knocks the plate of Pomegranate seeds out of Crew’s hand.
Steve: Don’t eat them you dummy! They’re probably drugged!
Docs: explaining In the mysteries of Eleusis Persephone is kidnapped by Pluto the Lord of hell, he offers her food and she eats 6 pomegranate seeds. She has received the devil’s hospitality and so must remain with Pluto for 6 months of the year.
Steve: How many did you have?
Crew: I dunno, I shoved in a good handful though… about 25 I reckon. Do you really think they’re drugged?
Docs: In all likelihood yes. You have likely been drugged, the mysteries such as these are well known for their use of various strongly psychoactive ingredients, usually something hallucinogenic and LSD like.
Crew: So am I gonna get high?
Docs: You might. Or you might go totally mental.
Steve: Would we notice?
Crew starts getting excited.
Crew: Woooah, I can feel it: I’m coming up!
Steve: Dude, you’re not ‘coming-up’ you’ve been poisoned, that’s a very different thing. What if that stuff in the pomegranate seeds wasn’t party-pills or disco biscuit but fast acting poison, like hemlock or witch hazel?
Docs: Witch-hazel isn’t poisonous.
Steve: What’s another poisonous one?
Steve: Yeah, Mandrake, what if he’s eaten mandrake Docs what will happen to him?
Crew: Stop it man, you’re deffing me out and bringing me down, I’m trying to get my buzz on here, I’m feeling pretty up until you start talking about poison and hemlock and I go all cold and feel like I’m gonna die. Don’t let me die Steve!
Steve: Ah man, don’t say that, what if you do die what am I gonna do with myself with you laying that guilt-trip at my door?
Docs: Wait a minute, let’s be logical. How do you feel? And did you notice any strange tastes when eating the seeds?
Crew: I feel alright…. And no they didn’t taste funny at all. I feel kinda trippy.
Docs: He might be alright… Let’s hope so. It’s possible that the effect of drugging us was to make us less aware of the reality of what was happening around us, a kind of sedative but we’ll have to see what else happens to Crew.
Steve: Well, if there’s any drugs to be found on a night you can be sure Crew will be there to hoover them up every time.
John Hampton picks the plate up from the floor.
Pluto: You will soon be sacrificed to me and I will take my bride.
Steve: John, John mate? What happened to you? I thought we were friends.
Pluto: I am Pluto, I have no friends.
Steve: Shit man, that’s deep. Y’know if we had any of that antidope we’d be able to fix all this I reckon. Get these two dummies out of their demon-trances.
Docs: Remember that John betrayed us even before he was put into the trance.
Steve: That bastard.
Act 5 Scene 6
Suddenly a well known film director enters the cave temple and starts setting up the equipment for the filming of their ritual deaths.
Well known film director: Ok my dears, are we all going to stop fidgeting and get on our marks?
Steve: I’m not an actor they’re going to kill me!
Director: Oh never mind all the union red-tape luvvie we’ll sort that out.
Steve: No, it’s not that! I mean, they’re going to kill me.
Director: Oh don’t you worry about that, you’re going to be in a special film. Perhaps the rarest and most powerful film in the world. All of those movies I make are nothing compared to this momentarily lost for words …quintessence of raw nature. Yes that’s it, life sex and death, all real. Total-theatre, where the theatre becomes the reality. What then? oh popcorn chomping plebian, what then? When the doors of the theatre won’t let you out because the film is still in your head starts laughing demonically.
Steve: You’re fucking nuts!
Enormous Security Guard: suddenly standing up and growling loudly If you don’t watch your foul mouth I’ll pull it out of your face. I don’t care what they’ve got planned for y’, if you get on the wrong side of me I’ll kill you meself.
Crew looks at Steve and silently mouths the word: Holy fuck!
Director: Slowly Of course I'm nuts, we're all basket cases in here love. After a pause Come on cheer up you guys, we’re gonna be rolling in a few minutes. I can only do so much in the edit, I need you guys to help me to help you to help you look good in this. This is big guys! It’s the role of your life. Laughing and jostling with Crew You’re in the movies baby!
Crew: Really? To Steve Am I in the movies baby?
Steve: No. We’re about to be killed and they’re going to film it. It’s called a ‘snuff-movie’ and it’s the one movie you don’t want to be in.
Steve: Well, let’s say, ‘because you never get paid.’
Crew: Johnny Depp did?
Steve: Johnny Depp did what?
Crew: Got paid. For selling himself to a snuff film for Marlon Brando.
Steve: Oh? Never heard of that theory. How would that work anyway because Brando is dead and Depp is alive? Did it backfire or something?
Crew: Maybe, it’s in the movie The Brave.
Steve: So it’s a movie?
Crew: It got slated. It’s sort of weird. But very colourful.
Steve: Oh. Ok. After a pause er Crew, you do presumably know that the movies are not real, but the actors ARE real people? It wasn’t Johnny Depp’s life in the film, he was playing a character.
Crew: He wrote and directed it!
Steve: Really? Even so, it’s not about Johnny Depp’s life.
Crew: How do you know?
Docs: intervening I think we’re getting sidetracked from the real issue at hand.
Director: gleefully A timely interruption there sir, I couldn’t have paced it better myself. If only we could work together again, but alas no, the Gods have decreed that we should meet just this one night under this fabled hill and….
Steve: seriously to the director Can you stop being a twat for one second please, while we think of a way out of this.
Director: Oh I’m sorry Duckie, there’ll be no ‘way out of this’ for you considering though if you were Equity I’d be duty bound to get you out of this mess, but as it is! You’re not in the union so I can't legally help you.
Crew: I don’t want to be in the movies baby. I’m scared, I think you’re weird.
Director: Behave yourself darlings or you’ll lose speech-rights. In fact, Daisy motioning to a big security guard Tie them and gag them up would you love?
Big Fella: My name’s not Daisy y’puff.
Crew: It’s Big Fella!
Director: Looking Big Fella up and down Hey who let you in? You’re not one of us.
Big Fella: Oh yes I am. Me and mine was here a long time before your pansy breed danced its way into town. I’m old-school evil, not like you effeminate monkeys in the media playing tricks with people’s minds. Nothing false about me, I’ve got no false airs, the only thing stopped me tearing you from arsehole to beak is my allegiance to a fellow Tailor. I hate you and your sordid life and I would kill you myself, but evil days make for strange fellow travelers, and we must work together.
Director: Work together? With you! Never! You sordid ape! You baboon! You lumpen lump of a man. I shall not share a stage with such as thee. Screams loudly.
Another big ‘bouncer’ comes over suddenly hurries to the sound of the screaming.
Even Bigger Fella: What is it?
Director: It’s this man, he is not one of us. He persecuted me because of my sexuality. I am a victim of persecution!
Even Bigger Fella: Oh how terrible! looks over to the security guard we’ll have him fed to ravening wild dogs we keep penned in the woods gives him a wink Come with me you vile disgusting and terrible little man.
Big Fella: snorts It’s not me who shoves me wedge up another man’s coal cupboard.
Even Bigger Fella: That’s enough of that, remember the dogs.
Big Fella: with a wry smile Oh the terror! Still, hungry dogs would be better company than ‘im.
They leave and station themselves outside.
Even Bigger Fella is heard to say ‘what a twat!’…..
The Director frowns then glares at Steve, Crew and Docs.
Crew: smacking his lips Ooh, I’m feeling really dry, asking the director have you got any water?
Director: angrily camp Do I look like a gushing fountain? No, I haven’t got any water.
Crew: I’m drying up here. I feel like I’m turning into a cricket. All itchy and hot. Don’t like it.
Docs: Yes, this man has been drugged, he is in need of medical attention.
Director: Is he? Well I’m sorry my dears but I’ve left my nurse’s costume at home. Just get on your marks dahings we’re ready to shoot this.
Pluto comes forward and readies himself for his performance.
Pluto: Pluto is ready!
Crew: Wait a minute, I’m not ready, what are my lines?
Director: Archly You don’t have any lines dahling, you’re not in the union!
Crew: But what do I have to do?
Director: All you have to do is die darling. Getting camply flustered Now can we get on?
The props-manager hands Pluto a sharpened trident and the director starts filming.
Steve: looking at the trident: Bloody hell, what’s that for?
The director is furious that Steve has spoken and gesticulates wild throat cutting gestures and fist pummels aimed at Steve. He is hissing with rage.
Pluto comes towards them, he readies himself to lunge at Steve with his trident, he comes closer, raises his arms back and is about to stab when the sounds of a mobile phone is heard. It is The Raider’s of the Lost Arc theme tune, the director is incandescent with rage now and starts shouting.
Director: Right that’s it! Let’s go again.
John Hampton: shaking his head No, that’s a rap. And punches the director unconscious.
Crew: sardonically Good afternoon Dr Jones.
John Hampton: winks I’m alright kid,
Steve: What was all that performance, selling us out? We thought it was real.
John Hampton: Well, it kind of was. But I had it all planned and I knew I could snap out of it on-queue with the audio cue, but above all, you had to believe it was real. These people can perfectly read your mind you know.
John Hampton: Well, yeah. That’s why these people join these sorts of gangs. They get a hint that some people out there can do something that they can’t and they imagine that something will make all their dreams come true. So they join up and can’t wait to have all those amazing psychic powers. Doesn’t really turn out to be as good as they thought it would be though.
Crew: Can you read minds?
John Hampton: Er, well I used to. Then I learned how not to again.
Crew: How come?
John Hampton: Well, when you get the power it’s like a tap which is gushing all this stuff into your head, except you can’t turn it off. Anyway these people can read you like a book. You HAD to believe I had betrayed you, if not we would all have been in the stew right from the get-go. You see I knew they were going to hypnotise me anyway, so there’s no way I wouldn’t have denounced you, however, if I believed I had already denounced you, then my hypnotized self would be satisfied, and thus phase two of the plan, how to break their spell: It’s taken me years to implant the Raiders of the Last Arc theme tune as a trigger to full recall, they said it couldn’t be done, but I have broken the back of their mind-control! And now we shall break the back of the Tailors?
John Hampton: Not sure yet. I think we’d better try to track down those bangers of yours, if only I can remember what my silly hypnotized self did with them.
Docs: Maybe we can use the bangers to break Cecilia’s trance.
Crew: What if she doesn’t smoke?
Steve: Crew, be serious.
Crew: I can’t man, I’m tripping!
Steve: You’re not tripping, it’s called being poisoned, this isn’t a squat rave Crew.
Steve: You’re not tripping, it’s called being poisoned, this isn’t a squat rave Crew.
Crew: I’m just trying to get my groove on, don’t bring me down.
Steve: Bring you down?
John Hampton: Leave him, we ought to find him some water though. I think he’ll be alright, he might get a bit of nausea though, they won’t have spiked him with anything synthetic, they only use organic natural plant derived drugs here, they’re fanatical about health and nutrition, too bad they let their spiritual health go to shit though. So he’s bound to get mushroom-belly sooner or later. Would have been a high dose as well, no half measures here, so he’s only in the beginning stages of the trip. They could have given him ergot extract or pure psylocibin.
Crew: So I am tripping?
John Hampton: Well just hang on to your pants because the trip has only just begun. Is this feeling familiar to you?
Crew: Of course, feels like acid.
John Hampton: Well, get ready to start entering doors within doors because it’s going to get hyper. If you love tripping your nuts off and possibly temporarily losing your mind, you’ll be ok.
Crew: Great! You guy’s’ll look after me though.
Docs and Steve unite and do a group fist bump with Crew, John Hampton joins them.
Steve: Don’t worry bud, we’re here for you. We’ll try to keep up huh?
Crew: Thanks man. Oh wow! Something’s happening. Crew’s eyes become wide wide open. Huh! A grunt of surprise and slight alarm. I’m coming up.
Steve: I thought you’d already come-up?
Crew: I’m coming up again Steve, it’s a trip within a trip.
John Hampton: sagely Doors within doors, yeah, I know the stuff he’s on now, it’s Devil’s weed.
Steve: Of course, how could it not be?
John Hampton: continuing But they’ve cut it with mescalin. They drugged British soldiers with it at Jamestown..
Crew: suddenly crying out Uhh Steve, there’s something moving, all over me. Ahh look, BUGS! Panicking get the bugs off me Steve!
Steve: Crew, I can’t see any bugs.
Crew: I can, at least I can feel them and sometimes I can see them, cautiously can’ see to see them now though suddenly Urggh! Yes, there they are, swarming all over them, you’ll have to squash them all over me, I can’t stand it, I can’t stand swarming insects Steve you know that.
Crew: motioning to Steve where the bugs are Here steve here, squish your hand right on this spot, there’s hundreds.
Steve: uncertainly Well buddy, I can’t see ‘em, but I’m going to help you out buddy, you tell me where and I’ll squish ‘em! Steve is happily slapping Crew’s body wherever he indicates and this goes on for several moments.
John Hampton: intervening No Steve that’s not going to help, there’ll only be more, from the crushed bodies of the dead insects a dozen eggs hatch and more appear. I know the terrain on this one, they use it in the initiations. Had it many times. Addressing Crew Crew, there’s no bugs there, you’re body is just itching as a slight reaction to the slight toxicity of the Jimson weed, your body is experiencing symptoms so your now activated subconscious mind is filling in the picture to explain what it is feeling. It’s kind of like a waking dream.
John suddenly lowers his head and brings down Docs and Steve for a chat on the down-low.
John Hampton: Guys, don’t react, but Crew may die.
Steve: a surpressed shushed roar Whaaat! You said he was tripping?
John Hampton: It was fine until he got the bugs, that’s a sign that the toxicity is strong, it is a capricious plant. You never know how strong it is, it varies from plant to plant and to leaf to leaf, that’s why they love using it, adds a note of danger to the initiations.
Docs: Do people die during the initiations?
John Hampton: with the mock Tailor ‘charm’ No or course not old boy. Wouldn’t be fitting for the poor deluded ol’ beggar to die half way through the holy ceremony They die when they get home. After the initiations and the party.
Steve: Oh my God that’s terrible.
John Hampton: Of course it is, these guys ain’t the boy scouts. That way they blame his death on excess at the banquet. Our man slides out and presents himself as the undertaker and it all gets rapped up. All very tragic but that’s life.
Steve: It’s insane.
John Hampton: Welcome to the Illuminati. They are insane. The drugs Russian roulette is only one of the many ‘excitements’ which come from being ‘one of the boys’.
Steve: Jesus? Are you kidding. What do we do?
John Hampton: We just have to see what happens.
Docs: Get him some charcoal!
Docs: Charcoal will absorb the toxins and may save him, we’ve got to try it.
John Hampton: Ok guys, that’s the number one priority then, we’ll get blue robes so we’ll blend in, all the dignitaries wear white robes. If you’re in blue then your’re sure to be sacrificed at some point so you’re unlikely to be at liberty, that means we all need to get changed quick, including me in my crazy watery fancy dress costume. Then we get some charcoal into Crew ok?
Steve:Tell him 99 percent chocolate or something and he’ll scoff it without noticing that he’s eating burnt wood.
John Hampton: Ok chaps, we’ll get through this, just be natural.
Steve: unnaturally So Crew? Er….how you feeling? Cursing himself quietly er I mean, are you hungry? would you like some chocolate?
Crew: Have we got some chocolate? I want some water, I’m drying up drying than a dryfly in the dry season.
Steve: momentarily sidetracked and shifting back into character What’s a dryfly?
Steve: momentarily sidetracked and shifting back into character What’s a dryfly?
Crew: A dryfly is a flying insect whose bite produces dehydration as a side effect to the toxins in it’s venom.
Docs: More dehydration.
Crew then starts going into an eloquent treatise on life on other planets, in particular the life on a planet known to the inhabitants as Owuluf which include the afore-mentioned Dryfly, the Sausage Stoat and the Strident Penguins, these are obviously translations of the original words in the Owuluf language, but the creatures here, like on many similarly sized rocky planets, are all quite similar, except they different shapes or they have vastly different personalities.
Crew: continuing Dogs on Owuluf are very bossy and scrupulously prim and proper, often refraining from the brazen behavior of Earth dogs, at least in public, and they can speak the language because it happens to sound a bit like dogs making noises. Communication between the Owulufians and the Haughty Dogs began when one of….
They leave the room with Crew still jabbering on.
Steve: quietly to the others We’ve got to put a stop to this, life on other planets? Is this real or has he lost his mind?
John Hampton: Who knows. Often Devil’s weed use promotes spiritual experiences, travelling without moving, astral projection. It is used by the Tailors to contact the extra-dimensional beings. This why it is known as the Devil’s Weed, upon consumption in the hungry times of the 1930’s people would eat it and report meeting the devil and all his little demons. It’s been used in North America for possibly thousands of years by the Cherokee Indians. Half way across the world the dark Hindu cults have also used it for centuries to contact Shiva the destroyer.
Steve: Great, another lecture.
John Hampton: You should take notes, there’ll be a test.
The men change into white robes with cowls. Docs goes off and returns with some charcoal from the incense brazier and has found some water in the director’s bag and he mutters cheeky fucker as he looks at his unconscious body.
Docs: Hey Crew, I found that chocolate and some water.
Here. Docs put the charcoal directly into Crew’s mouth, and then basically forces the water into him, as if he’s giving a cat worming tablets.
Crew: Barghghg! What did you do that for?
Docs: apologetically Sorry man, I thought you were desperate so I thought I had to kind of force feed you. Did you swallow the charc..c.c.c.c.chocolate?
Crew: ruefully Yeah. After a pause looking suspiciously at Steve.... Can I have some more?
Docs: Er, ok, but just a little he cautiously hands a small piece of charcoal into Crew’s hand, half expecting him to scream that it’s a piece of burnt wood, but instead he pops it happily in his mouth.
Crew having eaten his charcoal and drunk some water appears a little happier. John and Steve exchange nervous looks.
Crew: What about the Queen?
Crew: Kora? Queen of the underworld. Shall we take her with us?
Steve: It’s not Kora, it’s Cecilia.
Crew: Are you sure? She keeps telling me her name is Kora Queen of the Underworld.
Steve: Huh? When? I didn’t see her talk to you Crew?
Crew: Well no because she’s talking straight into my mind. Keeps saying she is Queen of the Whatsit and that we must die soon so we should prepare ourselves by praying to her, and maybe she will reward us in the next life.
Crew: Well no because she’s talking straight into my mind. Keeps saying she is Queen of the Whatsit and that we must die soon so we should prepare ourselves by praying to her, and maybe she will reward us in the next life.
Steve: to John What he’s talking about now John?
John Hampton: thoughtfully Hmmmm, yes he’s picking up an astral psychic connection. Looking at Crew critically. Let’s hope he doesn’t get caught up in her delusion though…
To be continued..