Act 5 scene 7
The Grounds of Felchester Abbey. John Hampton, Steve, Crew, Docs and Kora are all dressed in blue cowls and are making their way furtively out of the cave entrance.
John Hampton notices that some of the others attendees have noticed their uncertain gait.
John Hampton: Sotto voce Guys, if you’re gonna stumble around looking like the Scooby Doo crew we’ll be spotted in a second. Stand up straight! Ordering: Arrogance! Look at the way these guys are moving around. These people own the world and they know it. If we’re not gonna get killed you’ve gotta blend in. They can smell your fear already.
A few of the cowled men approach Crew and Steve almost sniffing them out and finding their scent alien, weak and beguiling.
Hampton shoots Steve a significant look as the two men approach.
Crew: quavering Errr…. Hello gentlemen.
Steve: trying to take his cue from John but not knowing how to pull it off and instead performing a very bad impersonation of a plummy Rugby club guy he used to know at uni and apparently adding some Dickensian locutions for good measure: Well chaps, what is your business here with us this evening?
John Hampton: doing a classic face-palm and saying to himself under his breath: They'd be much more scared of you if you just spoke with your normal accents; that’s the one thing these guys can’t front up against: the working classes.
Blue Cowled man: His face is invisible, lurking at the back of the hood. From the darkness What have we here? Slowly with stress on the consonants: Frressshhh mmmeattt.
Steve: Jesus! Turning to Crew They’re Orcs man!
Crew: Soundling more and more like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Orcs!
Suddenly there is a flash of light. Or there appears to be. The Blue-Cowled man is sent flying back onto the ground where he lays smouldering and immobile.
Kora: Low born human FILTH! How dare you pollute my presence? I can read your sordid little minds. Men! You are dogs humping your own legs and anything you can trap between those hairy and malshapen members. Feel my female power, right between your legs. How’dyou like me now bitch?
John looks at Kora while the other man in the blue-cowl picks up his smoking brother.
Second Blue Cowled man: Not again! Can’t take you anywhere….. Oh well, let’s bring you back to life again. I’m feeling faint as it is, you’ll drink me dry you will. Who'd be a vampire?
The Blue Cowled Man turns to Kora with his eyes lowered Sorry your highness, we didn’t expect to see you out here. It is an honor to be in your presence and an honour for him I am sure indicating with his head the blue cowled man he is carrying to be struck by one of your energy bolts.
Kora: with a dangerous looking smile: Yes I am sure. With a strong black gheto accent Though I don’t wanna see you little white pussies creeping roun’ my ends no more. Y’git me? Kisses her teeth loudly Little old Harry Potter bitches. Becoming leery and very sassy Yeah, das right I didn’ say no ‘witches’.. slowly and focusing her whole attention on the man holding the other smouldering man, and apparently the smouldering man himself who is apparently having his spirit sucked out of his body so Kora can give him a dressing down I said ‘Bitches’. Harry, Potter, Bitches.
The smouldering man’s spirit groans at being called a Harry Potter Bitch.
Kora: Suddenly becoming really sweet and much more like Cecilia: Ok you can go now.
Steve: To John. What happened to you? International man of mystery? With your bullet-proof physicist mates and your hot-police-proof hatchback! Where were you? How come Cecilia had to save my life.
Crew: Murmuring in his delirium Again!
Steve: Turning to answer Crew: Yeah, again. But not finding him there. He spots him sat on the grass. Crew mate, what are you doing down there?
Crew: Talking to Kora. She saved your lives again.
Steve: Well technically that was Cecilia.
Crew: Shaking his head and laughing with a new mania No, that’s not it. They’re together now. That was Cecilia you saw just then. She was working together with Kora.
Steve: What’s going on? How do you know this?
Crew: I told you I was just talking to her.
John Hampton: He might be right.
Steve: Anyway, I’m not going to be distracted from my point by my mate Crew apparently now being a psychic master. Why did you just stand there as they looked me over and got all Orcy. Fucking nearly shat myself John.
John Hampton: I couldn’t do anything. They were grand vampire grandfathers of the Illuminati, they would have destroyed me with their evil. I might have a few tricks up my sleeve but I don’t have all the tricks.
Steve: I seriously thought he was going to eat me.
John Hampton: No. Steve looks up raising his eyebrows looking for reassurance. They’d have had sex with you first. pauses Then eaten you.
Steve: Sardonically Oh thanks!
Docs: Intervening Let’s just count ourselves lucky neither of the two were on the menu tonight. Let’s count our blessings and figure out how to find those doobies.
John Hampton: Holding his head It’s no good. I can’t for the life of me remember where I put them. The whole thing is a total blank. I must have been hypnotized before I put them away. I never can remember what I do when I’m hypnotized.
Steve: You should thank yourself lucky for that.
Docs: I suppose the reason for that is that it isn’t you anymore in your body at all, but the demonic spirit which has invaded it.
John Hampton: Of course. So it is hopeless, I won’t be able to remember where I put the weapons grade stash because it wasn’t me who put it there.
Kora: Looking over at them: You are sure to die soon you mortals, but for the moment you entertain me, and for some reason, I have an unaccountable fondness for you.
Crew: Winks to Steve mouthing the words: Cecilia.
Kora: I know someone who may be able to help you find what you have lost, you will follow me, they start to come over towards her, she adds archly at a respectful distance!
Docs: Sorry, bowing of course your majesty! Giving Steve and John a secret thumbs-up.
They start to back-off and wait until Kora is a walking a good ten metres ahead.
They follow Kora after a short walk, into the manor house. They go into the room where Cecilia originally awoke.
Kora: In Cecilia’s voice Little Suzy? Are you here? Little Suzy I need your help.
After a wait of some moments and the flickering of candles after which a cold air seems to enter the room. Suddenly from out of the fireplace, cautiously appears the ghost of Little Suzy.
Kora: Ahh, little Suzy! There you are!
Little Suzy: Uncertainly Ooo, ma’m, I’m frightened.
Steve: Blimey! You’re frightened? You’re the ghost, I’m the one who’s supposed to be frightened.
Little Suzy: looking at Kora and sniffling, as if about to cry Mam, I don’t like it, it’s strange. You’ve turned strange like one of them, and them waving a ghostly hand at Steve and Crew, I don’t know who they are, are they farmers? I’ve never seen them before.
Kora: Little Suzy, it’s ok, I’ve found some friends to play with. Can you help us? My friend has lost something valuable and we wondered if you knew where it was because you’re always creeping about the place.
Little Suzy sees John Hampton and suddenly shrieks and disappears.
Kora: What is it Little Suzy? He’s ok, he’s my friend. He’s my best friend. Friends should like other friends’ friends Little Suzy. We’re all just friends here.
The voice of Little Suzy: I know that man. He’s one of ‘them’. It’s Pluto. He has the Devil inside him.
John Hampton: No, no, I had to infiltrate the organization and get hypnotised but then I managed to use a ring-tone as a trigger to deprogram my subconscious mind.
Little Suzy: I don’t understand.
John Hampton: thinking, after a moment It was a game! I was pretending to be Pluto in a game.
Little Suzy: You weren’t pretending when I saw you about to kill those farmers with your trident. I ran away.
John Hampton: Well, no I was possessed yes, but I’m better now, and those farmers, well it’s these same fellows here, indicating Crew, Steve and Docs to wherever Little Suzy might now be hiding. You see, it WAS just a game. Just a very complicated and dangerous one.
Slowly from out of the shadows Little Suzy cautiously comes forward.
Little Suzy: Looking at John Hampton from deep under her brows I saw you, I was hiding though my old nan said it’s rude to peep on people without them knowing it.
John Hampton: Well not this time Little Suzy, this time you did the best thing a little girl could do!
Little Suzy brightens up and the candles flare up to flood the room with light.
Crew: Suddenly laughing from his place on the floor. Light!
John Hampton: I’ve lost something, I’ve put it somewhere but I can’t remember where it is.
Little Suzy: Was it when you were dressed as that bad man?
John Hampton: Yes it was young lady.
Little Suzy: flatly I’m nearly 400 years old. Thinking Well I saw you leaving the Farmers behind to be tied up and taken to the special horrible cave where they do horrible things, then I saw that horrible man who does the horrible things to the children, she screams, his name is Johnny St Vile, he is not really human but is possessed by a demon; since he was a child he has been like that. He came over to you and whispered something to you then you became the devil man. And you went into this house, upstairs…
John Hampton: anxiously repeating Upstairs yes.
Little Suzy: Then into the upstairs cellar and you put something under the secret stone in the cellar where it can never be found unless you know where it is.
John Hampton: The secret stone! Of course. But which secret stone! There are so many. Will you come with us little Suzy into the cellar and help me find which stone it was?
Little Suzy: Shrieks and screams No no no no no, I can’t go in there, I can’t never!
John Hampton shrugs.
Kora: Oh please Little Suzy, we really need your help.
Little Suzy: I’m sorry Miss I promise but I can’t.
John Hampton: But you did before. You followed me and peeped on me when I was hiding the things.
Little Suzy: considering Ahh, but I was curious. Now I’m just too scared.
John Hampton: But you’re safe now, you’re with us. Me, remember I was the powerful God Pluto Little Suzy visibly jumps with slight fright and Kora here is a Goddess too, and we have our friends the farmers here indicating Crew Steve and Docs. Besides, they can’t hurt you, you’re already dead.
Little Suzy: But I get terrible nightmares whenever I get too close to evil things. There’s sure to be something evil in the cellar, there always is. Or something strange and sad.
Kora: If you come with us and help us Little Suzy I will be able to help you to leave this place forever and go into the infinite light.
Little Suzy: really Miss? I haven’t seen any infingy light here for a long time.
Kora: But remember that I am a Goddess and I have the light right here! Kora raises her hand and suddenly a light emits from it which slowly starts to fill the whole room. Suddenly to the people in the room, there is the impression of warm sunlight and cool breezes, a cool seaside on a hot Summer’s day momentarily fills the room. Little Suzy’s eyes light up and suddenly she becomes as if she were alive again, her pretty auburn hair with blond in parts which seems to sparkle in the light, she smiles and jumps up with glee at feeling herself filled with life and energy once more. Then, as suddenly, it dissipates. And Suzy is amazed as she slowly reverts to her phantom condition. You see Little Suzy, you will be able to play there forever, but you must prove yourself worthy of this fine reward by helping us.
Crew: Laughing Light!
Little Suzy: Still amazed I didn’t know you could do that Miss!
Kora: I’m Kora the Goddess, I can do things like that.
Little Suzy: Well I don’t know who you think you are but I know you’re my best friend Cecilia the Clever and Brave.
Kora: Cecilia the Clever and Brave! Well I should be honoured to be thus named, in addition to my official designation of course as Queen of the Underworld.
They go upstairs into the cellar and enter the crypt and altar. They discover inside the room an old dusty box sat on a stone on the altar.
Docs: Goes over to the stone and tries to lift it It’s heavy, feels magnetic to me, some kind of iron meteorite.
John Hampton: Wait a minute don’t do that, whatever you do don’t move it.
Docs: Grunting too late, blimey it sure is heavy, would make a good work-out he starts doing reps lifting it up and down.
John Hampton: That stone you’ve just removed has a magnetic field which was containing a smaller electro-magnetic field inside that dusty box there. Whatever it is, for some reason, is contained within a magnetic prison. Now it has been released.
Steve: Yeah, AND we’re in a spooky evil crypt in the UPSTAIRS of a spooky evil house in the middle of a spooky evil Illuminati party. Whatever it is can’t be good!
Suddenly there is a burst of light from the box and Naomi Spence appears still dressed as she was when she was abducted from her concert.
Steve: Nodding I was right.
Naomi Spence: Why you hating on me already? You don’t know me.
Kora: Delightedly Wow! This is great! I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you at last!
Naomi Spence: You like my stuff?
Kora: I love it!
Naomi Spence: nods and looks at Cecilia Do you know the dances? Naomi starts to dance and Kora starts to match her moves until they are totally coordinated and in sync.
Cecilia: This is the best day of my life. Suddenly there is a blast of cool air which seems to rise up then leave.
Crew: She’s gone!
Cecilia: Yes, she’s gone, Kora has gone about her business. It’s me Cecilia….. This is some crazy stuff right?
Steve: sardonically It’s just one treat after another.
John Hampton: I wonder why she left. Maybe it’s because your own happiness broke through or something.
Little Suzy crouches down and indicates the secret pivot stone where hypnotized John Hampton had hidden the stash.
Little Suzy: Here it is! This is where you put the things.
John Hampton reaches down and deftly depresses the secret spot in the special swivel stone. It turns smoothly on it’s incredibly precise turning moment and John reaches in to bring out the weed.
John Hampton: I don’t believe it! It’s gone!
Little Suzy: Well that’s where you put it!
John Hampton: What happened after I left this place and went down to the cave?
Little Suzy: Trying to remember as she does so, visions seem to fill the air. Her thoughts and movements being reconstructed in her memory are visible in the gloom around her. Suddenly Johnny St Vile appears in the vision and Little Suzy shrieks, Ahh, the horrible man, now I remember, he was waiting in the dark as you came out, he came in here!
Suddenly the door bursts open!
Johnny St Vile: bawling And I am here now little piggies! Time to chop you up. He produces a huge butcher’s knife which he raises above his head. Looking at John. Shame about you John, I thought you were one of us. Have to admire you breaking the hypnosis. I’d better chop you first, then we can mop the others-up at our leisure, suddenly his eyes burn with red fire and he raises his machete.
Cecilia: Cecilia attempts to transmit the commanding tone of Kora: Wait Vile!
Johhny St Vile: Turns slowly to Cecilia. Oh, I am sorry your highness. He casts his eyes down and starts murmuring strongly: Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you later?
Cecilia: How dare you speak to me, the Queen of the Underworld like that?
Johhny St Vile: Smiling, slowly looks up: The Queen isn’t here anymore young lady, you can give up the act, but she’ll be back later you’ll see.
Johnny St Vile: Now, where was I? Looks down at the collection of rolled cigarettes he is carrying. Laughing to himself. So these chancers thought they could come here and flog weed to the Great Family? Still chuckling to himself. I used to smoke this all the time in the discos. Laughing How’d you think it got into the country? We’d run the nightclubs to flog the stuff. I’d use it on the girls to make ‘em feel sleepy and warm so they’d get their bras off for me. Laughing a dirty laugh. Steve very subtly looks at John who returns his look.
I think I’ll smoke one of these gentleman’s special cigars then I can kill you with a smile on my face.
Johnny lights up one of the big ones.
Johnny St Vile: You needn’t think this’ll mellow me out and turn me into a hippy. Grass always made me violent. It’s the way I’m wired. He smokes a big lungful. Suddenly there is a long prolonged scream which pierces the night and echoes throughout the whole grounds. The cellar in the house becomes ground zero of an aetheric energy explosion of such force that everyone is knocked instantly to the ground. When the smoke clears a dying Johnny St Vile is lying on the floor.
Johnny St.Vile: Looking around him in wide eyed wonder. Who am I?
Naomi Spence: turning to Johnny You are the world’s nastiest cunt and she boots his dying body so hard his body is smacked straight into the stone floor. Thus died Johnny St Vile, beloved friend of Israel of Prince Charles, of Tony Blair, the NHS, the BBC; the evil man who invaded the UK with a secret demonic agenda studied and learned through years of schizophrenic communication with spirits, passes from this world.