Our greatest weapon is happiness. Our badge of recognition should be our smiles.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Weaponised popstars file 082: POP Goes the Popstar!

The life death and future resurrection of a Pepsi-powered FrankenJesus.


The Pepsi fueled dancing man.

The late King of fizzy pop, Michael Jackson, is once again the centre of controversy as his death has recently been discovered to be one of the greatest occult practical jokes in pop-history. Jackson booked his departure for the 'nether-nether-world' for the first day of the UK’s 2009 Glastonbury ritual, which takes place during the first weekend following the summer-solstice while the sacrificial blood is still fresh on the dewy green grass.

Our researchers have learned that this date was chosen for Jackson’s temporary return to the interzone of possessed fizzy-pop demons as being astrologically propitious as the Stonedhenge portal is fully dilated at this point, and also, it would be a bit of a laugh for the people at Glastonbury who for the first day would assume it was a festival joke. After which it was predicted by Jackson’s occult minders that they would have charged their Dingleberries and all-seeing iPhones and at this point would have been able to confirm the news to be true.

Events unfolded just as predicted and the festival turned into a celebration of Jackson and every kebab shop was ordered by the fishy King of Glastonbury  to play his music whenever anyone fancied some chips. Jackson went on to headline the underworld section of the festival, and performed an astonishing  surprise acoustic set of all his greatest hits at the Deadfield. 

The gig was described as small and intimate as instructions on how to reach the Deadfield had been secretly texted to all members of Michael Jackson's fan-club and Pepsi’s human-research volunteer-list, as well as all those who held shares in Monsanto. 

Apparently the route involved taking a left past the stone-circle walking through towards the copse of cursed oak trees where a witch was killed by villagers for selling dodgy 'shrooms at the inaugural Glastonbury festival in 1237. 

Inside the copse was an ice-cream van with special limited special access arm-bands which would were given out along with limited edition festival exclusive extra-toxic weaponised cans of Pepsi which allowed access to the underworld and  triggered special seizures and special VIP access to the Deadfield. 

Other perfomers present at the Deadfield that year included a surprise appearance by Amy Winhouse who performed a low-key gig after her triumph last year on the Pyramid stage. Her surprise appearance in the Deadfield was apparently the result of a heroin overdose, her appearance was just as much a surprise to herself as to the festival revelers. As she came on stage she was heard to mumble 'Ah fuck, looks like I've overloaded the smack-spoon again!' Radiohead also played the Deadfield, just as they do every year. The band Radiohead have been permanent residents of the underworld since signing a special deal in blood at a deserted crossroads just off the M40 outside Oxford.

Michael Jackson is due to return to Earth in the year 2025 when his return will be heralded as a miraculous event and he will be worshiped as the one true-God for the next 10,000 years. After which people will gradually start to lose interest in weaponised soft drinks and their dancing-minion sponsored shenanigans and will at this point progress to the next point in human-evolution, when human DNA is finally liberated from the stunting effect of sugar, phosphoric acid and aspartame.