Insider info and illuminati analysis...

...from the man they just can't recruit.

Popstars of the Apocalypse Act 1.

Scene 1

Crew  is wandering through a mist which rolls at his feet and seems to be surrounding him.

Crew: Bloody hell. Where am I?

He moves forward and sees a dim light source deep within the mist. As he gets closer he starts to be able to make out a human shape and a bright light. He is smoking and appears shrouded in smoke.

Crew: calling out to the figure Hey how’s it going?

The figure turns around smiling.

Bill Hicks: putting on an English accent Hello mate.   

Crew: Hey... You’re Bill Hicks... You’re awesome.

Bill Hicks: Yeah.... I was pretty cool wasn’t I?

Crew: Where are we? And what’s going on? Is this real?

Bill Hicks:  We are standing outside the gates of heaven and they won’t let me in. What can I say? I just can’t give em up. They won’t let me unless I quit.

Crew: Wow.

Bill Hicks:  Might be here some time. The ways things are going universes can begin and end and I’ll still be right here smoking myself to....

Crew: Death?

Bill Hicks: You only die once...  Unless it's Vegas.

Crew: So why can’t you go in? indicating the light Is God like one of those annoying non-smokers who insist you step outside if you want to smoke?

Bill Hicks: God is perfect and self sufficient. So is everyone in there. Ol’ Billy Boy is stuck out here because he isn’t perfect. The cigarettes are just an outward manifestation of my lack of perfection. 

Crew: Am I dead?  

Bill Hicks: chuckles Dude, you’re still stuck on Earth down there waves vaguely downward  

Crew: So why am I here?

Bill Hicks: Because something big and bad is coming and you need to save the world.

Crew: Again?

Bill Hicks: The war never ends dude.

Act 1 scene 2

The Dark Circus comes to town. A field in Hampshire. Sarah Clarke who is camping nearby has struck up a conversation in the local pub with a rigger taking a beer and fag break from setting up the stage.

Rigger: Oh Hype Aid. it’s gonna be amazing man. Bono and Dog Beard are amazing men. The most fucked up demon stars like Lard Gagger and Smiley Mindless are gonna be performing a special OTO charity ritual will culminate with a special psychotronic lazer show specially engineered by US Nazis based on a design by Nikola Tesla.  It’s just gonna take lazers to the next level.

Sarah Clarke: Level 2 lazers. Awesome. Power-up makes a noise like PacMan eating a powerpill Oh yeah. So it’s gonna be like Jean Michel Jarre or something?

Rigger: Better than that, it’s gonna be like when Philip K Dick saw that beam of pink light. We’ve got a special crystal that generates that same special pink light, but keep it a secret because it’s a bit of a first. It’s going to be deployed here for the first time in the world.  

Sarah Clarke: Is it? Pink’s a bit girly isn’t it? Is it a special gay-light to celebrate homosexuality and gender equality?

Rigger: No, you don’t get it. It’s not a gay-light. It’s an information rich psychotronic lazer beam. It isn’t pink because it’s gay or a woman. It’s pink because....well in fact I don’t know why it’s pink, but it is. The crystal makes it pink.

Sarah Clarke: So will it look nice to go with the giant Rainbow I saw you setting up won’t it? Sounds like fun.

Rigger: It’s not exactly fun, it’s charity, so it's serious.  It’s Bono and Dog-Beard’s Hype-Aid. The Dark Circus are going to be there too.

Sarah Clarke: The Dark Circus? Aren’t they the ones whose fans go out and murder their girlfriends?

Rigger: You can’t blame the music for their actions.

Sarah Clarke: Forgive me but isn’t there a song of theirs which goes ‘I’m gonna stab you, then put you on a meat hook, swing you around and beat you because now you’re just too cold to fuck’.

Rigger: That’s what people thought when they heard Axel Rose was going to be performing at the Freddie Mercury concert. People thought Axel hated homosexuals and was a dangerous wild man, but the rest is history and a world class arena performance from a band which had just grown up and reached their plateau.

Sarah Clarke: So The Dark Circus are going to reach their plateau eh?

Rigger: It will be the CULMINATION of their career and so much else besides. Has a sudden idea Hey maybe you could join us. I could get you a backstage pass for you and me if you become one of us. I can be your backstage handler.

Sarah Clarke: Backstage handler? What like a reach around? If you don’t mind I’ll continue to handle myself.

Rigger raises an eyebrow and Sarah Clarke laughs.

Sarah Clarke: demurely So what is this ‘one of us’? What are you part of?

Rigger looks around then leans in to Sarah and for a second she thinks he is going to kiss her, instead he whispers in her ear.

Rigger: The children of the Temple. That’s who we are, but you mustn’t tell anyone about it because it’s a cool secret and that’s all the fun. Besides, you get cursed if you tell anyone.

Sarah Clarke: Oh I’m already one of them. My grandmother got me to join when I was a kid.

Rigger: impressed Your grandmother was a member? Wow, you must be very old bloodline, I’m honoured to meet such a distinguished Sister and I wish to be considered for my honoured Sister’s sex-schedule.

Sarah Clarke: Sex schedule?

Rigger: But of course. You know you must serve the order three times a week for sex alchemy. Some chapters only insist on two, in France they insist on five sex days out of seven, those French sisters must be worn out but that’s all the French really think about. Returning to his theme So we’re creating a portal to the Lovecraft dimension, we’re going to have The horde of the dead on Live TV link up.

Sarah Clarke: The Horde of the Dead? Is that a death metal band, seems a bit heavy?

Rigger: We’re going to achieve  total global worldwide possession, the dark circus Burlesque style, the mantra’s gonna be ‘feel the darkness, the sexy blackness’. Hey maybe we could do it now. We could fuck for the order and unite our streams.

Sarah Clarke: Oh that? I don’t think I fancy that. I’m a Christian.

Rigger: suddenly pulls a grimace and spits on the floor Excuse me he is apologetic but is clearly trying to conceal a mixture of anger and fear You can’t be one of us sweetie. Sorry, I’ll have to just wish you a quick goodbye, I shouldn’t even be talking to people like you. But you said your grandmother made you join? 

Sarah Clarke: Join what?

Rigger: starting to become nervous and exasperated The Children of the Temple.

Sarah Clarke: The Children of the Temple? Was it that she made me join? Appears to be thinking No, I got it wrong, it wasn’t the Children of the Temple it was the Girl Guides. Kind of similar I suppose, apart from sex days or whatever.

Rigger: Opening his eyes wide and suddenly struck with the terror at his own indiscretion, he considers murdering her right there but he realised he would soon be caught and this would jeopardise the whole operation. Instead he dashes off furtively. Oh I see, well goodbye.

Sarah Clark: Auf weidersehen.

Rigger is suddenly struck with a final look of total fear and secretive paranoia before he runs out of the pub to the stage to continue work setting up.

The Barman is watching Sarah and Sarah perceives his morphogenic field involving itself with hers and she realises she is being stared at. She turns around.

Sarah Clarke: Busy guy.

The Barman says nothing but continues to stare at her while cleaning a pint glass, she notices that he is wearing a white t-shirt with a triangle and a circle inside it. Sarah knows what this means so she laughs, finishes her drink and leaves.

When she returns to her tent she quickly starts packing her things together, as she is doing so she hears someone walking up behind her. It appears to be a tramp, he has a strange look in his eyes. A controlling compulsion and had brought him here, almost against his will.

She looks up and smiles at the tramp.

Sarah Clarke: naturally sweetly Oh hello there. Let me give you something.

The tramp is instantly disarmed by Sarah’s nice smile and her issuing him with a ten pound note and immediately rejects the suggestion from the voice in his head which had brought him here to kill this woman. He now had enough money for three pints in the pub like a gentleman. He’d have to wash his underwear in the stream first and hope he can dry them out before the sun sets.

Tramp: Thank you for your kindness mam. As a reward I will give you some advice, You’d better get out quick madam. There's people who mean to do you harm and there’s something strange going to be happening aroun’ here soon. I’ve heard them talking about it. Something about the special diet fizzy drink product they’re going to be ‘deploying’ they call it. It’s going to have something to do with the pink crystal light and something else I can’t remember. All that carrying on with fizzy drinks and pink brain lazers isn’t like the music I remember. I like R&B, The Animals, John’s Little Sister, The Yardbirds, Eric Clapton, Sausage Sam. That’s real music. They didn’t need no fizzy drinks and lazers, just four on the floor boom tish tish with the highhat ts ts ts he starts playing air drums but is making all the right sounds for the drums with his mouth.

Sarah Clarke: Ok, I’ll leave you to it. He continues his air drumming as she packs.

Sarah Clarke: Bye then.

The Tramp is still drumming and says ‘goodbye my dear’ between a beat on the tom.

As she is hiking away with her tent in her rucksack she hears his voice behind her leave her with one last message:

Tramp:  Beware the ghosts of the deep black rock n roll star, now you know, they'll be watching you. I prefer R&B. Rock n’roll is the Devil’s tune.

Sarah hurriedly leaves the camp site and jogs upto the main road in the hope of getting a quick bus out of there. She hurriedly trots up only to the see that the bus has arrived on the road but she is still a quarter of a mile away. She runs all the same in the vain hope that the bus might be loading a disabled passenger and so would be there for several more moments but this was quickly dashed as the bus drove off. She got to the main road too late and found herself alone on a country road, in the middle of nowhere for the next half an hour at least. She takes out her notebook and quickly starts making notes of all she has heard.  She does this for a while accompanied to the sound of bird song.

Suddenly she just discerns the sound of a car engine coming from down the road. The engine suddenly grew fainter as it turned the corner and was quietened for a while, then it turned the bend and the engine noise and the car was almost upon her.

A Black Ford Focus suddenly appears and slowly come to a stop next to her. The front window winds down but it the inside of the car and the driver is obscured.

Man from inside the car: What are you writing there?

Sarah Clarke: Oh, just some notes about the, she looks around, field.

Man from inside the car: Oh it’s an interesting field is it?

Sarah Clarke: It is if you’re a the field.

Man from inside the car: Come in Quark.

Sarah Clarke: John is that you?

She gets into the car and sees John for the first time. He explains to her that it’s a prototype photon absorbing device.

John Hampton: Works by magnets or something. Sucks out all the visible light and so all you see is darkness. University friend made it for the army but he’s giving me a go on it. Test trails. He needs the data. It’s a symbiotic relationship. What are you doing here Sarah?

Sarah Clarke: I’ve been camping, looking for magic mushrooms. This is the magic patch, I’ve been coming here for years around the same time. Always find hundreds. Found more besides, some weird guy going on about French Sisters of the children of the Temple being forced to hire themselves out five times a week. Except during August I suppose, c'est les vancances.

John Hampton: Oh, you’d better be careful who you talk to about that, the only people who are supposed to have that information are the members themselves, any non-member or profane, who blasphemes the secrets by uttering them should be immediately put to death. You could have been killed. This whole area of ‘olde Englande’ is full of it, you should be careful where you go mushroom picking Miss Clarke. There’s a copse over yon field where all sorts of things take place. The Deadwood they call it. You have to go through that wood to get to the Deadfield.

Sarah Clarke: Why would you want to go to the Deadfield?

John Hampton: It’s one of their cult traditions. They say you have to pass through into the Deadfield in order to become a witch.

Sarah Clarke: But you just got through the Deadwood right? Can’t be that hard.

John Hampton: But you only find the Deadfield under certain conditions. You can walk through that wood all day long and you’ll never find your way into the Deadfield, only if the Wood wants to let you in will you find yourself there. And once you’re there life will never be the same again.

Sarah Clarke: John what on Earth are you doing here? How did I bump into you out here?

John Hampton: Same way as witches get let into the Deadfield, because something wanted me to be here. I’m just riding through visiting cider farms trying to find a premo fresh farm cider. Sarah looked into the back of the Ford Focus and saw the back was stuffed with several wooden barrels of cider.

Sarah Clarke: Why aren’t they in the boot?

John Hampton: You haven’t seen what’s in the boot. Besides, they’ll get jostled in the boot. So we’re you headed with your magic mushrooms.

Sarah Clarke: Back to Gospel Oak in fact. You can drop us at the station.

John Hampton: Not at all. I’m on my way back to town anyway. This is fortuitous indeed. Let’s drive back into town together, a breeze late summer road-trip in a car full of cider. You get yourself a drink back there Quarkie, I’ll just drive and fantasize. Might pull over somewhere scenic in half an hour and stretch me legs. Let’s make sure we get well clear of here though.

Half an hour later they arrive at Stonehenge and they share a glass of cider while the sun sets behind the stones.

Act 1 Scene 3

Downstairs at Steve and Crew’s.

Crew: Wow! I’ve just remembered that I was supposed to tell you about this dream I had the other day.

Steve: Dreaming in the day, it’s alright for some.

Crew: I mean at night. You know, the other day night.

Steve: The other day night? Funny but I don’t actually think that’s English.

Crew: I had the coolest dream that wasn’t a dream.

Steve: The dream isn’t over dude. You’re still dreaming. I’m part of the dream.

Crew: goes silent for a moment Really?

Steve: Of course not Dude. You’re awake, can’t you tell?

Crew: Usually I can. The dream was so real, maybe it was real.

Steve: picks up a notebook and a pen and is poised to start writing: What happened?

Crew: What are you writing for?

Steve: I can’t think of an idea for comic strip and I haven’t posted anything new for a two days. I’m going to take a chance that your dreams that aren’t dreams might give me some material.

Crew: I saw Bill Hicks, outside the gates of heaven smoking. Steve raises an eyebrow He said he summoned me to help him defeat the forces of evil on Earth. He said because he’s not in heaven he’ll be able to help me. Once you’re in you’re in apparently and there’s no readmission.

Steve: Bit like a student nightclub then.

Crew: He says he will send some friends of his to help me but I have to be careful with them because they will need a little rehabilitating.

Steve: What does that mean?

Crew: I don’t know.

Steve: stops writing Is that it?

Crew: So you’re not in?

Steve: Of course not, it was just one of your goofy dreams. Puts his notebook down but keeps the pen waggling in his fingers. There’s no reason to think this is real. What if it was just a dream?

Crew: ‘Just a dream’? Dude, scientists don’t know what dreams are even for or where you go when you’re dreaming. A dream is vacation in the 4th dimension dude. It’s like reality but realer. Hyper reality.

Steve: So you went to hyper-reality and talked to Bill Hicks?

Crew: That’s about the size of it.

Steve: considering for a moment and picking up the notebook Ok. Keep me updated but I’m not committing to anything at this stage though.

Steve flicks the TV on.

News reporter: ...the fire broke out in the early hours of the Wednesday morning and despite the combined fire services of two counties, it could not be contained, destroying the listed 18th century historical building. Also a priceless collection of Venetian artwork was destroyed...

Crew: snorts....PORN more like

Newsreporter: The second largest such collection in private hands.

Crew: Laughing.. lol, in private hands....wanking over them.

Steve: Laughing yeah. We didn’t give them anything to wank about though did we? We showed em.

Newsreporter: At this stage it is believed the fire was caused by an antiquated gas fired heating under-floor heating system.

Steve: Blimey, those people don’t leave any traces do they? Look at the state of that! (indicating the burning shell of Felchester House) A bunt out house tells no tales.

Crew: Wonder what tales those hooded goons told the police?

Newsreporter: The house had previously been the venue for a private party and featuring the attendance of several famous pop performers, the police rushed to the scene after the report of a fire on the grounds which then spread to the house,  and the police praised the organisers of the event for the safe evacuation of the celebrities, though Sir Johnny St Vile is reportedly missing.

Crew:  So that’s the story. Looks like a cover-up.

Steve: There’s nothing left to cover up by the looks of things. Jesus, look at that, you can even see the weird upstairs dungeon where we blew up paedo Johnny.

Newscaster: In addition to the manor house the world famous abbey caves were also destroyed...

Steve: outraged WHAT! I’m not buying that! How do you burn caves down? If they swallow this they’ll swallow anything.

Newscaster: touching her ear In fact I’m getting an update that investigation has revealed that the fire WAS started deliberately and a man made explosion took place in the boiler room. What I’m now hearing is that a terrorist group calling itself Moslems against Immodesty has claimed responsibility for the attack and have called for the assassination of what it terms morally provocative satanic  propaganda  aimed at the destruction of Abrahamic values.

And we can now go over to the Prime Minister who has prepared a live statement in light of this attack on our national cultural heritage.

Steve: WHAT? A minute ago they said it was a gas explosion, what is this?

Crew: Looks like someone’s taking a  last minute opportunity to me.

PM Jack Thrasher: We absolutely condemn this very real affront to our cultural traditions and we as a pop loving British people will not stand for it. This is why I’ve started consultations on the possibility of creating a nationwide network of re-education and tolerance camps to be located in highly secured areas, where those who feel unable to tolerate the great British lifestyle will spend time learning British tolerance, humility, and banishing superstition and bigotry, and learning the pleasures of a good old fashioned bacon and egg sandwich.

What’s more we will instruct the police to issue on the spot fines for anyone overheard making disparaging or offensive remarks incited by religious intolerance against female popstars and British values and it will be classed as a hate-crime, the protected stars will include, Lard Gagger, Demon Chile, Big Brown swingers sisters and Strumpet. The same penalties will also be rolled out to protect make artists such as Big Doggy Ballz, MC Cool Rapist, Body Nozzle and VIL8R.

Act 1 Scene 4

Sarah Clarke’s niece’s house. Vicky Clarke and her friends Loz and June  They’ve just downloaded the latest single from gender-enhanced rapper 2Diks which they are listening to.

June: looking through Vicky Clarke’s playlist Have you got any Vil8R?

Vicky: No way, that stuff's just too weird.

June: Yeah but it’s cool. Weird is cool nowadays, don’t you know?

Vicky Clarke: Is it?

Loz: I don’t like him much either. He IS weird.

Vicky Clarke: I don’t think it’s true that 2Diks has two dicks.

June: He does. I saw a picture on the internet. One is black and the other is white. He even has a name for them, he calls them his boys Boaz and Jachin. Although he was born with only one ball.

Loz: Like Hitler? Except for the two dicks element.

June: After a moment of silence  Yeah but I don’t listen to him for his dicks, I don’t care about that. I mean, people still love Michael Jackson.

Loz: They love him even more now. Even I love him and I don’t know why, I’ve never even heard his music.

June: Never heard Jacko? Are you kidding. How is that possible?

Loz: Well maybe I have, I don’t know. But I don’t know what songs he does. I may have heard him without knowing it was him.

Vicky Clarke: What about Bad, Thriller?

Loz: Bad Thriller? Why was wrong with it?

June: No, it’s two different albums, not the name of one album. What about The Man in the Mirror?

Vicky: And the Sun and News of the World too. One minute he’s sleeping in an oxygen tent, the next he’s accused of being a paedophile, then he’s dangling babies. Then he died.

Loz: Well it all sounds a bit weird. I’d prefer it if I’d never heard of him. Why do I want to listen to a paedo’s music?

June: I don’t know but everyone does anyway. My mum says paedophiles are victims and shouldn’t be persecuted but she tells me if a man touches me I should kick him extremely hard in the balls.  She even taught me how to do it. To swing my leg right back like a ballerina and then kick him right up in the balls. She keeps reminding me, :’You have to follow through with the kick as if you’re booting  a football’.

Loz: Maybe that’s why they call them balls.

They all start laughing.

June:  But really it’s his two balls which didn’t separate properly in the womb so he just has this one big ball. But technically he was born with only one ball.

Vicky Clarke:  Weird. Why call himself 2Diks, Big-Ball would be a much better name.

June: Yeah. Maybe he didn’t think about it.

Loz: Why does he have two dicks anyway? Why did he get the extra dick?

June: becoming quite serious and sincere It’s a political statement of his conscience on the issue of conscious politics.

Loz: What does that mean?

June: It means that he supports the freedom of people to do whatever they like. So he totally supports gays and transgender people.

Loz: Er, and?

June: Well that means he’s a good guy doesn’t it? He supports people’s freedom to do what they want to each-other and themselves and he supports their freedom with an extra dick in the name of transgender solidarity. Why should we ever have anyone telling us what we can and can’t do with our bodies?

Loz: Well if anyone tries to mess with you we know what you’re going to do with his body.

Vicky Clarke: Shouts GOOOOAAAALLL!

They all start laughing again.

June: But seriously though, because it IS serious. He says anyone who wants a dick should be allowed to have one, that sounds fair doesn’t it? He said God oppressed some people by giving them dicks when they didn’t want them, so they have to pay for transgender surgery to have it removed, causing them discomfort and incontinence, or not giving them a dick and making them into girls when inside they’re really men.  

Loz: Wait a minute, you said he blames God?

June: Of course, who else made the mess we’re all living in?

They are all quiet for a moment.

Vicky: But that sounds a bit weird though. Chopping dicks off or having an extra dick and bringing God into it all. To me the guy just sounds crazy like there’s something wrong with his head.
June: Well yeah, there is. He’s a schizophrenic, but there’s nothing wrong with being schizophrenic. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being gay or black. We’re not allowed to judge someone based on what they are.

Loz: Looking puzzled  Yeah but they call it mental-illness don’t they? If you’re ‘ill’ you’re not ‘well’ you’re not ‘normal’ are you?

June: laughing But what IS normal anyway? We’re all different. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white?

Vicky: raising an eyebrow Are you sure you’ve never heard of Michael Jackson?

June: Why?

Vicky: Because that was one of his most famous lyrics.

June: What? “What is normal anyway?”

Loz: No, the other bit.

June: Oh. Well, knows maybe Jackson had got into me without me knowing.

Vicky: Maybe he did if you ever went to Neverland and let him get you drunk.

They start laughing except for Loz.

Loz: Gross. But what is all this stuff about God. Is 2Diks religious or something.

June: Well in fact he is just the opposite.

Vicky: What’s the opposite of religion? There isn’t an opposite thing, unless it’s science or something.

June: It’s not science it’s Satanism. 2Diks is a Satanist who follows the work of Aleister Crowley.

Vicky: Aleister Crowley, I’ve heard of him. He was a cool and powerful guy, a wizard before Harry Potter made it fashionable to curse people.

June: So do you like Aleister Crowley too?

Vicky: not really thinking about it too much Er, yeah, I guess so.

June: Because he was all about supporting people’s freedom. He was also an advocate of the rights of children not to be constrained and controlled by their parents and allowed to be free.

Vicky: Yeah, that sounds good to me.

June: So do you two want to join?

Loz: Join what?

June: The Children of the Temple.

Loz: What are they?

June: They’re a kind of Hogwarts school of magic which isn’t just a building but is everywhere. It’s just like Harry Potter, they’re all around and the Muggles never suspect a thing of all the amazing stuff going on in our world. We also go to these Nature and sunshine camps in beautiful remote areas where everyone has a wonderful time. Children and adults altogether enjoying themselves and doing anything they can dream of. So do you want to join and find out or not?

Vicky: Ok why not. We get to go on holidays and stuff?

June: Oh yeah, loads of holidays. And I shouldn’t tell you this before you’ve actually joined, but if you get into trouble at school for any reason, then all you have to do is wink at the headmaster and he will arrange everything so you don’t get into a trouble at all.
Loz: Surprised and a bit shocked Really? Wink at the headmaster?

June: Yeah, and he even winks back.

Vicky: Wow, so how do we join?

June: If you’re serious about this then I will tell you.

Vicky: Go on then.

June: You have to go to the Deadwood at midnight wearing a red hat. This means you are offering yourself to them and they will expose themselves to you.

Vicky: Like flashers? What do you mean expose themselves to you?

June: I’m not allowed to tell you anything else. Everything has to be a surprise, that’s how it works.

Loz: Well in that case it won’t work because you’ve just ruined it by telling us there’s going to be a surprise.

June: Oh believe me, you WILL be surprised.

Vicky: So it’s still going to be a surprise even though we are expecting a surprise.

June: Yes.

Loz: Wow, whatever it is they do must be quite surprising!

June: It is. So do you want to join?

Loz and Vicki both shrug their assent.

June: Ok tonight! We’ll go tonight.

Vicky: Alright then, let’s do it. Isn’t it a bit dangerous though to hang around the woods at midnight?

June: It is for normal people, but not for people like us.

Loz: Really? Wow! We’re going to become real witches! Brilliant.

Act 1 Scene 5

Crew runs in clutching about 30 packets of cigarettes in his Napalm Death hoodie.

Steve: What’s all this then? Have you just robbed an off-license? Why did you steal the cheap and nasty brand?

Crew: I didn’t steal them, I bought them. From dodgy Jim at the Greyhounds Arms. I’ve got incredible news, we are about to make ghost hunting history. I had another dream last night. He sees he will be able to manifest a presence if I fill our back room full of cigarette smoke, but concentrated in the middle of the room. Let’s see what happens eh?

Steve: Seriously? Ghosts in the back living room? Is that a good idea. I think I’m a bit scared.

Crew: How can you be scared, it’s Bill Hicks!

Steve: Well I would be scared to meet Bill Hicks anyway. I’d try to hard and sound like a tosser. Everyone would.

Crew: Don’t be scared, I know Bill he’s great, you’ll like him.

Steve: Crew, settle down, I DO like Bill Hicks, it’s not a question of me not liking him.

Crew: It’s about him not liking you?

Steve: Be fair Crew he’s a ghost. And you’re going to fill the room with the smoke from those shitty cheap fags. It’s not normal and it’s nor healthy.

Crew: with childlike enthusiasm But we have to save the world again Steve.

Steve cracks a smile and shakes his head.

Steve: Ok let’s get this thing started.

They quickly tear open the packets of cigarettes, creating a huge pile of 100 fags. They arrange them in a circle around the middle of the room like incense sticks and they light them creating a thick smoky atmosphere. The curtains are drawn and the flat darkened except for a deliberate delicate  sliver of light which glimmers subtly into the middle of the room.

Crew: Bill are you there?

There is sudden movement from within the raising cigarette smoke and a contrast between the light infused cigarette smoke and the darkness of the room, there is the fleeting suggestion of a long black jacket and a black cowboy hat whisking in the smoke.

Bill Hicks:  a vibration stirs within the cigarette smoke like a small whirlwind and Bill Hicks voice is heard I see you got the cheap brand.

Crew: Hey they’re not that bad. How can you even taste the difference anymore?

Bill Hicks: Well you’re going to need to bust open that piggy bank of yours wide open because I’ve got Jim Morrison here and he needs a drink.

Steve: Jim Morrison?

Bill Hicks:  Yeah. You’re gonna need to make a little sacrifice if you wanna see ol’ Jim tonight. Can you get Jim Beam on this island? Audibly talking to someone Hey Jim? You want Jim Beam? Listening to the unheard voice of the ghost of Jim Morrison Scotch huh? Single Malt, listening you prefer something peaty, I godit Jim? Ok. Now addressing Steve and Crew. Single Malt. Peaty. You know what that shit means?

Steve: I do. I’ll find a bottle of something.

Bill Hicks: listening to Jim 10. You want 10 bottles Jim?

Steve: 10? Jesus it’ll cost me a fortune.

Bill Hicks:  What do you expect it’s Morrison, and he hasn’t had a drink in a long time.

Steve: Blimey, this is going to cost a fortune. You said he hasn’t had a drink in a long time, he won’t want much.

Bill Hicks: I’m afraid not guys. I’ve got bad news for you, he needs at least 7 litres of fine spirit to fully manifest his own spirit. He’s a big star what can I say? He always had a big rider did Jim. Get the Scotch and fill up a large bucket. Add some ice but you must put the bucket of Scotch under the light of a full moon, otherwise he won’t have the power to manifest.

Steve: 7 Litres of best Single Malt? That ought to be enough power for anyone to manifest!

Bill Hicks: He needs the light. Just like we all do. Even you. Ask Crew he knows all about it since his psychedelic poisoning experience at Felchester abbey.

Crew: He’s right. I have seen the Light.

Steve: So you’re a Christian again?

Crew: More than that.

Steve: What do you mean? A Zen Budhhist? You don’t look much like one, though you have shaved your bonce but that Napalm Death hoodie isn’t very Zen.

Crew: Not that either. I have seen God myself so I am like Jesus.

Steve: Dude, you’re nothing like Jesus.

There’s a disturbance in the smoke and Bill Hicks is heard laughing a raspy coughers laugh.

Crew: Hey Bill stop laughing at me. I could do miracles too like Jesus if you only believed in me.

Steve: Believe in you? I do believe in you, I believe I know you to be a goofy chancer who smokes too much dope and that you do disgusting Liver cleanses all the time. Jesus wouldn’t have hot rock burns on his sweatpants.

Crew: That’s just it, you think you know me just from outside appearances but you don’t know what’s inside me now.

Steve: Get outta here. I know what’s inside you. Too much THC. Addressing the Bill Hicks smoke Have a word Bill, where’s he getting all this stuff from? Is he possessed by some leftover ghost from padeo Jimmy’s party?

Crew: laughing triumphantly They accused Jesus of being possessed by a devil. And he answered them saying ‘a house divided against itself cannot stand.’

Bill Hicks: No Steve, Crew knows all about the light, sometimes after he talks to me outside the gate he opens them and walks in. But he never remembers that. Noone does.

Crew: excited Really? You see me walk into heaven just like that?

Bill Hicks: Well not exactly just like that. You start to change. You lose what Steve lovingly calls the goofy aspect of your character and your light shifts to a higher frequency, then you go through.

Crew: How come I only remember talking to you then?

Bill Hicks: Because there is no physical part of you that can record the experience, your consciousness has completely departed from your body. You’re operating on Delta waves, these are generated inside the electron core and create a singularity in the magnetic field which effectively leaves 3d and all 3d reality behind. Including me. Because I smoke too much starts laughing gleefully but is overtaken by coughs which become stronger and more pronounces and generate a very strong turbulence in the smoke My power in this world is fading, I must leave now. Don’t forget, give Jim Morrison a drink under the light of a full moon.

Crew: Will do Bill. Ciao for now.

And the smoky ghost of Bill Hicks disappears.

Steve: What are we going to do with all these lit fags?

Crew: I dunno, you can have one if you want. Why not try two? Have you ever smoked three fags at once. Crew is getting excited Let’s do that thing they used to do and smoke a big faggy fan of 10 at once?

Steve: A big faggy fan is that what you want? You dirty boy.

Crew: Why’s it dirty?

Steve: Because they’re gross and I don’t want to smoke one let alone ten.

Crew makes a fan of lit cigarettes and smoke them for comic effect. He takes a big draw and promptly faints.

Steve: Jesus!  

He quickly takes the lit cigarettes out of Crew’s right hand. As he is busy stubbing them out Crew returns to consciousness.

Crew: Oh my God you won’t believe me. When I passed out from the smoke I passed INTO the smoke and Jim was there.

Steve: Did you see Jim?

Crew: No, he wasn’t with Jim. Weirdly he was with John Logie Baird. I overheard them talking.

Steve: How did you know it was John Logie Baird, do you know what he looks like?

Crew:  He was a young Scottish man with glasses. I don’t know how but I instantly knew it was John Logie Baird. I heard him saying to Bill ‘we should never attempt to create this machine on Earth. It isn’t ready.” And Jim trying to reassure Logie that the machine will be destroyed completely after the period of its use or something. But I knew that I was meant to make that fag fan and smoke myself unconscious, it’s weird Steve how somehow the whole universe already knows what you’re going to do and has already set the next scene up for you. I feel like part of me is still there Steve. When I close my eyes I see a misty light and I sense the other world for a moment. Wait I can hear a message. He closes his eyes We’re going to have to find John Hampton somehow. He has a useful university friend apparently.

Steve: What is it with him and his university friends. How come he has all the right friends we all need, what kind of person has magic friends like that?

Crew: John Hampton is the kind of person like that. Anyway, like  already explained, the universe already knows what you’re going to do and going to become, so it sets up everything for you for when you need it.

Steve: But this is happening now, and it was over 20 years ago that John Hampton went to Queen Mary’s. How can the future create the past. How can he know that he will need to know these people in the future so get to know them in the past. The future can’t change the past.

Crew: No, there is no future and past in the way reality is created. It is all instantaneous except we experience the entirety of the life experience slice by slice, second by second, so we order it from beginning to end with time but every life experience is a 4d phenomenon outside of time. So past and future merge. It’s like someone dealing a blind royal flush to someone, one card at a time. You take the queen of hearts and wonder what will happen next. It is the Ace of hearts. You congratulate yourself on having two high ranking cards of the same suit. Perhaps you recognise this as a winning Pontoon hand, but you are given yet another card, the King of Hearts, then the Jack. Now when all your cards have been dealt out to you you understand the meaning of your life. This is what will happen to us all when we pass from this world. We see the vastly complicated hand of cards we have been played instead of just the individual cards which prevents you from seeing what the final meaning is behind all the cards, the last card will unlock the key and show you the absolute entirety of your life as a single phenomenon.

Steve: What your whole life is just a single phenomenon? How can that work I can’t get my head around it.

Crew: Closing his eyes and seeking the answer It’s like when people say their whole life flashed before their eyes when they’ve had a near death experience or something. In that moment they see their cards all laid out. THE phenomenon of their life in one single instant. How could you see your whole life flash before your eyes as they say, in an instant, if it were not reduced to some kind of 4d manifestation outside of time. 

Steve: Ok Crew, since you know it all now apparently, where is God? Can he help us?

Crew: God is sort of behind you. Well, at an angle of 90 degrees to the 3rd dimension. Behind you but more behind you than you can see behind. If you know what I mean.

Steve: flatly No I don’t.

Crew: Steve why are you being such hard work with all this, I need you to believe in me remember.

Steve: relenting Oh Crew, it’s just not fair, why do you get to be the one who gets enlightened and suddenly has all the answers? It’s ridiculous to see you so elevated in position.

Crew: Hey be fair, I had to nearly die of Jimson weed poisoning to get here.

Steve: I suppose so. I guess you earned it. But if there are drugs this time, then I want to try them first.

Crew: So that means you’re in then?

Steve: Of course I’m in. What else am I going to do?

Crew: I tell you what else you can do, make me a nice bacon sandwich with some beans on the side and a nice cup of tea, and I’ll roll us a pre-bacon and beans 6 skin cone of Old Toby.

Steve: Woah, that’ll be phat. I’ll get the kettle on.

Act 1 scene 6

The night of a full moon.

Steve and Crew have 10 bottles of nice whisky.

Oh well, here goes. Steve cracks off the seal of the first bottle and pops out the cork, as soon as he does this there’s a sudden burst of low music brought with the wind it seems.

Steve: Can you hear that?

Crew: Yeah, sounds like Riders on the Storm.

Crew: Jim is that you?

Crew opens another bottle and pops the cork.

Jim: singing  Love me two times, Love me twice today. Waow, c’mon.

Crew: He seems to come through each time we open a whisky bottle Steve.

 Crew: Hi Jim. Waving around him to wherever he thinks Jim Morrison might be.

Steve opens a third bottle.

Jim: stoned  Hi guys. Break on through to the other side now. Yeah. C’mon.

Steve: say Jim, you sound like you’re having a good time there, they told me you needed a drink, I thought you’d be all strung out or something.

They open the bottles and pour them into the bucket and as they do so Jim comes through.

Jim: No Sir! Plenty of acid here and lots of Moroccan hashish. Dreamily It falls from the rainbow trees in the sun.

Crew: So how come there’s no booze?

Jim:  petulantly The minotaur told the snake not to serve me any more.  The serpent slides into the endless night. Singing The serpent owns the whisky bar and he won’t serve me a drink. Won’t serve me a drink in the endless night. Endless night. Waow, yeah. C’mon. Singing The snake is in the night. And won’t give me a drink. Gotta break on through to the other side.... and get myself a drink.

Crew: Ok here you go Jim. We’re just gonna put this under the Moonlight and you enjoy yourself.

Crew: This is weird Crew. I feel like I’m feeding an invisible alcoholic horse or something. And you sure Jim won’t mind drinking out of a bucket?

Steve I didn’t think about it. I don’t think they make whisky glasses big enough for 10 bottles though.

Crew: Yeah but we could have used our imaginations. Like we could have filled a, ooh, I don’t know, a special ornate urn or something.

Steve: Have you got a special ornate urn?

Crew: No.

Steve: But we do have a bucket. See how things work out?

Crew: looking at the bucket of whisky Shush Steve, something is happening to the whisky.

There is a disturbance like a little whirlwind at the point the photons bounced off the moon interact with the surface of the whisky. Suddenly and incredibly the whisky surges suddenly and the whisky coalesces into the form of a man: Jim Morrison which surges and pours around him continually, glinting in the light of the moon.

Whisky Jim Morrison: Weird scenes inside the Goldmine. Raow! Yeah! Raow! Uhhhh yeeeeeeaahhhhh. Jim Morrison is dancing around in whisky joy singing and making various rock-star noises.

Steve: This is no good he’s pissed and senseless already.

Crew: I wouldn’t mind a drink actually, I don’t know why we didn’t buy a bottle for ourselves.

Whisky Jim Morrison: Wanna drink boys? Singing Show me the way to the next whisky bar. Whisky Jim Morrison puts his whisky hand in front of Crew’s mouth drink my finger, it’s 100 percent proof.

Crew:  I can’t believe this! I’m actually going to drink Jim Morison. Do you think it’s safe, you know, to drink spirits. He winks. 

Steve: Tell me what it’s like and I’ll have a go.

So they both have a double of Jim Morrison each and after a boozy moment commentating on the smooth peaty taste of Jim Morrison’s whisky fingers they get down to business.

Whisky Jim Morrison: It’s like this guys. The hootchie kootchie man is planning a special surprise for all the loyal flag waving citizens of planet Earth. He laughs drunkenly. You’re whole world is going to be invaded by all the massed forces of evil and bitterness who have been trying to destroy humanity for many many years past. And it’s all going to start in your country. At the Hype Aid concert. I don’t know the technical details but it all revolves a place which is neither in space nor in time, they call it the Deadfield and they intend to create a kind of crossing point between the Deadwood and your world and the only people who can save your world are dead rock stars.

Crew: I know rock stars are cool and that, and that dead ones are even cooler, but how come you’re the only ones who can stop this, what can you do that we can’t?

Steve: It’s hard enough getting them a drink.

Whisky Jim Morrison: We’re the only ones who can stop this baby because we’re the juju voodoo men who started it all.

Crew: You started it? How?

Whisky Jim Morrison: Black magic, Ouija boards, Kaballah. We opened the doors.

Crew: hahahaha Doors.... do you get it?

Whisky Jim Morrison: I get it baby. We were young, that’s why we never lived longer than 27 because that’s when you start to thinking for once and you start developing a conscience about things. Young people make mistakes and they don’t care about making mistakes and never sense the chaos left in their wake. Young voodoo juju rock stars live in the very chaos, the whirlwind of excess, error and crisis. 

Crew: So you opened the Doors. What happened?

Whisky Jim Morrison: History happened. We blew the doors wide open but nobody could see what was coming through and once they’re open there’s no closing them. Well, there is only one way and that is what we’re going to do. We have to get all the old dead rock stars of the 60’s who opened the doors to hell and close them again.

Steve: Ok then let’s do it. Where are they?

Whisky Jim Morrison: Well that’s the difficult part baby. They’re lost rock n roll souls. They rode the snake to the lake but the lake was dry and the sky was burning.

Crew: But you’re here and you’re a lost rock n roll soul.

Whisky Jim Morrison: Because the righteous man Bill Hicks found me and said he would help me get a drink.

Steve: So you’re here just for the booze and not to save the world?

Whisky Jim Morrison: I’m a rock n’roll star baby. If it’s time to burn it’s time to burn.

Crew: But I don’t want to burn.

Whisky Jim Morrison: That’s because you’re not a rock n’roll star. If you were a rock n’roll star you always burn, everything burns. The universe comes from nothing and consumes itself in fire and light for a trillion years, then it goes back to nothing. Burning is the nature of the universe baby.

Crew: Sounds weird.

Steve: Yeah I agree.

Whisky Jim Morrison: Weird is the way of the real world. Search out the weirdness and you will come closer to a more authentic reality. Hey I nearly forgot, you need to find your friend John. He knows what’s happening but I can’t reach him.

Crew: Why not?

Whisky Jim Morrison: because he doesn’t touch whisky any more starts laughing.

Strange ghostly sounds are heard in the air. It sounds like a combination of a flock of birds and someone dragging a heavy desk along the floor.

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